


Don't Ask

by AnnaFugazzi



Series: Don't Ask, Don't Tell [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, M/M, Military Homophobia, POV Outsider, Period-Typical Homophobia, Steve Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-04 03:07:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaFugazzi/pseuds/AnnaFugazzi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America and Bucky Barnes were like brothers. Everyone knew that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Ask

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Don't Ask "Не спрашивай"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2415611) by [Kpo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kpo/pseuds/Kpo)



> Thanks so much, Winterstar, for beta!
> 
> I literally cannot wait for Winter Soldier to come out. In the meantime, I'm indulging my Steve/Bucky Angsty Feels and fervently hoping nothing I write becomes AU after the movie.
> 
> No, I haven't stopped writing Not About Superheroes, for those of you following that one. The next chapter should be out soon-ish, once my lovely betas (Winterstar being one of them) are through redlining it :D

Gabe and Morita had just put their sleeping rolls down and were getting ready to strip down for bed, waiting for Dernier to come join them in the tiny shed, when they heard a door inside the house opening. 

Gabe's attention was caught by Cap's urgent voice.

"Bucky, if we're caught--"

"There's nobody here," Barnes laughed. "Come on."

"I--"

"The men are all in a whole other building," said Barnes, and Gabe suppressed a chuckle. He glanced at Morita, who grinned back at him. "We've got this one all to ourselves."

"We could be--"

"It's our only chance. It's been weeks, Steve. Please." Barnes was really a manipulative bastard, thought Gabe. But Cap really needed to relax, and who knew what Barnes was gonna to get him to do - try to find a girl in the village, draw a mural on the wall of the forsaken house they'd taken over, eat some contraband chocolate... who knew. It would surely be good for their CO, though.

And unbeknownst to Cap and Barnes, "the men," having discovered that the chicken barn they were supposed to stay in was filled with debris, had decided to explore alternate arrangements. Gabe and Morita had entered a shed that leaned up against the house and was sturdy enough - and empty enough - to accommodate at least three of their sleeping bags, claimed it, and told Dernier about it. And moved in right in time to overhear their commanding officer and their sniper get up to something that they would be in prime position to hold over them as blackmail material. This oughta be worth a few cigarettes at least. Gabe unashamedly put his ear to the wall, grinning as Morita did the same.

"This ain't the orphanage, Bucky," said Cap seriously, his footsteps getting closer to them, and it was funny how much more Brooklyn he always sounded around Barnes. "We get caught and we're not going to get sent to Mother Superior's office."

"Sure. We could be court-martialled and sent to hard labor, life as we know it could be over." Barnes said scornfully, and Gabe exchanged a glance with Morita. Barnes was probably planning some prank. Probably on a higher-up. Phillips?

"It's not funny, Bucky," said Cap. "It could happen."

Barnes laughed. "Not to you. Court-martial Captain America? They'd protect you, bury it all."

"And you?"

"We're in a war, Steve. We could die tomorrow, and we'd miss this because you're too chicken shit to--"

"Because I don't want to risk you," said Cap, his voice thick, and there was an odd noise. Gabe's grin started to fade.

"The men are all far away, Steve, come on, we haven't been--"

"I can live with that," said Cap.

"Well I can't," said Barnes, his voice sharp. "It's not enough to just be pals. Yeah, it's great that we serve together and sleep across the campfire with all the other fellas all around, but it drives me crazy, having you so fucking near..."

What the hell--

"Bucky," Cap's voice was low, anguished, and suddenly there was another noise.

What the hell was... that sounded like they were...

Jesus.

They were kissing.

A soft moan came from the other side of the wall.

"Bucky..." breathed Cap. "Oh, Jesus."

Gabe gaped at Morita, then back at the wall.

"Can you--"

"Yeah. God, yeah." There was a sound of a zipper. "Jesus, if anybody--"

"Steve, fuck, you drive me so crazy," Barnes growled. They were panting now, clothing rustling, moaning between Barnes's words. "I keep thinking of going down on you, you making that noise--"

Cap groaned, "Jesus, Bucky, you're gonna make me come before we even get our clothes off--"

"Super-soldier serum, you could get it up again in seconds, right?"

"For you, yeah," said Cap, laughing, and it was so bizarre to hear such a free, easy sound from their tightly controlled commanding officer. Not that he was grim or anything, but he was so serious, always concerned about the men, the mission, always planning and strategizing. Barnes was the only one who could be counted on to make him laugh. Make him let go and unbend, even a little.

Jesus, Gabe did not want to think about unbending or bending right now.

"Come on," Barnes was panting. "Please. Fuck, you make me so hard. Oh!" He groaned, and there was a creaking sound and suddenly their voices were even closer to Gabe and Morita. "Jesus, watching you the other day, swimming in that pond, all I wanted was for you to pound me into the ground, screw me six ways to Sunday--"

"Bucky, shit, you tease, I could barely see straight, you right there in your skivvies. Had to think of Phillips or I would've embarrassed myself when I got out."

That creaking - that was bedsprings. "I thought about Dum Dum's muttonchops."

Cap laughed again, cutting himself off suddenly. "Oh - oh my God," he moaned. And Jesus, their voices were closer because they must have lain down on the bed. It had to be right up against the wall next to the shed.

"Christ, it's been so long," Barnes said breathlessly. "God, can you believe we even have a bed?"

Creaking, more clothing rustling, a belt falling to the ground, kissing, gasping.

Gabe glanced at Morita, who was red-faced and horrified, looking away.

Holy hell. Their commander and their sniper, who had always acted like brothers - they _were_ brothers, for God's sake, they'd been raised together in an orphanage and were all the family they had - were _screwing_. Perverts, getting it on right on the other side of this thin wall.

"I need you, Christ I need you so much," moaned Barnes. "Please, no, come on, I'm ready."

"Slow down," Cap said, and Barnes groaned. "I don't wanna hurt you--"

"Make up your mind, you jerk. We're either not doing this or we're getting on with it, all right? I don't give a shit that you're a lot bigger than before, you're not gonna hurt me--" his protest turned into a long, deep groan, then panting.

"My God, you feel so good," murmured Cap. "I'd almost forgotten."

"Hang on, don't move," said Barnes breathlessly. "Lemme adjust, it's been a while."

"You'd let me prep you right, you wouldn't have to wait now and Jesus don't _do_ that, gonna make me come--"

Barnes snorted. "Nice to not have to be quiet, isn't it?" he asked. "All scared somebody's gonna hear us. Mm." There was a pause. "Move. Move, for the love of God. Yeah. Harder, God, yeah, harder, move--"

And then they stopped talking, silent save for creaking bedsprings and occasional moans and curses. Gabe clenched his eyes shut, mortified, not daring to look at Morita again. They couldn't even get away, either. If they could hear every rustle Cap and Barnes made, for sure Cap and Barnes would hear them if they tried to leave.

"Steve, oh, Christ, I'm close--"

"Me too--"

"No wait, hands off, I don't wanna come like this - can I fuck you, after you come?"

Cap groaned. "Yeah. God, yeah, always, Bucky--"

The creaking sped up, and now Barnes was moaning like a whore and Gabe wanted to disappear. There was a scrape from the bed moving along the floor, and Cap cried out wordlessly, Barnes murmuring encouragement.

The creaking slowed down and stopped, and there was a silence, broken only by Cap panting.

"You good?" said Barnes, chuckling.

"God, I love you," Cap whispered, and there was a brief sound of kissing. Gabe's eyebrows went up.

"Love you too. Come on, get off," said Barnes, and Cap laughed.

"So much for my afterglow."

"Fuck your afterglow."

"Thought you wanted to fuck me."

"You can have your afterglow when I'm inside you. Right now I'm gonna go off like a rocket if I don't--"

"Fine, Jesus, all right," the bed groaned. "Go ahead, soldier," said Cap. There was a pause. "Thought you were in a hurry," he said, laughing.

"Don't wanna hurt you--"

Cap snorted. "I'm gonna die of old age here, you jerk. If a bullet can't stop me, your dick ain't gonna."

"A bullet ain't supposed to feel good," Barnes shot back, and then there were more sounds of creaking bedsprings and rustling and lips, more gasps, Cap encouraging Barnes - all thankfully lasting much shorter this time before Barnes groaned and the noises slowly ceased.

"God, I love you," whispered Barnes. "So fucking much."

Gabe briefly wondered if Cap was lying on his back like a woman, wondered exactly how two men did whatever it was they had just done - and immediately wondered if there was any way he could mange to convince his brain to get rid of every thought that had to do with whatever was going on next door.

"Mm, love you too," said Cap, his voice drowsy and affectionate. "It's been too damn long."

Wondered if the naked emotion in their voices made it worse than if they were just perverts going for a dirty thrill.

There was a silence. "Ever wonder what it would be like if we could do this all the time?" asked Barnes, his voice low.

Cap snorted. "We'd never get anything done."

"I'm serious," said Barnes. "Just go to bed together, any time we wanted. Never have to be scared somebody'd find out."

"Shouldn't have agreed to serve together if you were gonna get upset about that."

"You hate it, too. And I don't just mean here. I mean even back home."

"No point wondering about that."

There was another pause. "I'd'a married you so long ago," said Barnes slowly. "Soon as we turned eighteen, if either one of us was a dame."

"No point thinking that way," said Cap. "Least we've got tonight. And... someday, we'll be back home. We'll be able to do this all the time."

"Sure," said Barnes, and his voice was tight. "Scared somebody'll hear. Scared the neighbours are gonna start to talk. Me pretending to fuck half of Brooklyn so no one'll suspect." Barnes paused. "You could do it too, you know, now. Dames'll be lining up to fuck you."

"Don't want 'em."

There was a long pause. "What about Peggy?"

"Bucky."

"She's a classy dame. You could--"

"She is. She's just not you."

"You could have her, though. If you wanted to. You could marry her, have lots of little super-soldier-secret-agent kids..."

Cap sighed. "You convinced me to ignore the nuns who said we were going to hell; you convince me to fuck you in the middle of the war, where we could get caught and God only knows what - Bucky, you'd convince me to cheat on my wife. Tell me we're meant to be together and--"

"Would that be so bad?"

"I won't get married if I know I'm gonna cheat," said Cap, his voice grim. "I wouldn't do that to any woman. Never mind Peggy." He paused. "Not unless you got married, too. To a girl you wouldn't want to cheat on with me."

"That might be a long time coming."

"I'll wait."

"Wait - what the hell is that?"

Gabe turned to Morita, his heart beating quickly. Somebody was crashing around outside - Dernier, apparently he'd gotten a hold of some wine - and Cap and Barnes were apparently scrambling for their clothes. Gabe quickly got up, nodding at Morita, who hastily got up and grabbed his own roll. They exited the shed under cover of the noise Dernier was making.

" _What are you doing?_ " Dernier stopped short, a bottle of wine in one hand and his bedroll in the other, staring at him and Morita coming out of the shed.

" _Smells too much like pig shit, we can't sleep there,_ " said Gabe quickly, grabbing Dernier's arm and steering him to the other building, not bothering to translate for Morita.

" _What?_ " Dernier was moving with them, but bewildered. " _But there's only room for--_ "

" _We'll find room,_ " said Gabe.

"What the hell," said Dugan as they entered the chicken barn. "I thought you found a shed--"

"Sleeping here instead," said Morita.

"There's not enough hay - or room," said Dugan. "There's barely enough bare space here with all the debris--"

"Too much debris in the shed too," said Morita.

"Right, fine," said Dugan. "Let's see if there's more room in the house with Cap and Barnes."

"No!" Gabe said, panicking slightly. "Don't - don't go in there. Half of it's collapsed anyway--"

" _How could it still smell like pigs in the shed?_ " Dernier suddenly asked. " _This place has been abandoned for months._ "

"Did he say something about pigs?" asked Falsworth, who was diligently trying to learn French. Gabe groaned inwardly. "There were pigs in the shed?"

"No, I said it smelled like pigs," said Gabe.

"Morita said there was too much debris," said Dugan.

"Debris and pig shit," said Morita quickly.

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Falsworth abruptly.

Gabe met Morita's eyes. "Damn it." He slung his bedroll onto the floor and sat down on a piece of broken chicken coop.

"What is it?"

"Jones..." Morita trailed off and set his own bedroll down.

They gazed at each other and Gabe saw the same disgust, same slowly subsiding shock, same confusion on Morita as he himself was feeling. Yeah, all right, even though the rules were pretty clear on this kind of thing, they all knew it went on anyway. But this was their CO they were talking about. Their CO and their sniper, and it hadn't sounded like just a friendly hand job to relieve tension. It had sounded a hell of a lot more serious. And ongoing. And... and if he and Morita kept quiet, and Cap and Barnes were found out later, what would happen if it came out that he and Morita had known and never said anything, and...

"We have to," said Morita, rubbing the space between his eyebrows. "Jesus Christ. We have to tell them."

Gabe put his head in his hands and rubbed his face. They were heading back to the base tomorrow first thing, through enemy territory, they were all exhausted, all he'd wanted was one good night's sleep before a three-hour march...

God damn it.

He raised his head. "Yeah, we do." He looked up at Falsworth, Dernier, and Dugan, and swallowed hard, feeling sick. He waved at the tumbled-over barrels and remnants of walls around them. "You're gonna want to sit down for this," he said heavily.


	2. Don't Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much, Winterstar, for your beta!

"We need to talk to you, Captain," said Morita, and Gabe felt his gut tightening up as he glanced at the grim faces of his fellow Commandos. Finally, after a day filled tension and odd silences - not that the Captain or Barnes had noticed much, as the day had been devoted to hard travel through enemy territory - they were going to do this. Two minutes after arriving at base, barely reported in and not even showered and fed. Damn it. 

"What about?" asked Cap, glancing around at them. "Can it wait until I've given my report?"

"It's waited all day," said Falsworth. "Phillips probably won't debrief you until tomorrow, and this should be cleared now."

"All right, fine," said Cap, his brow furrowed slightly. He motioned to the rest of them to sit, remaining standing himself.

"What's this about?" asked Cap.

There was a brief silence.

"Last night," Gabe blurted, desperate to get on with this. "We were in the shed."

"What?"

"Next to the house. We heard you."

Cap blinked, puzzled, then his face suddenly drained of colour. He swallowed, and sat down hard.

"What?" Barnes was still frowning.

Cap cleared his throat. "It's - it's my fault," he said, and for the first time since Gabe had met him, his voice was unsteady. "I take full responsibility. I'm the superior officer, I abused my position of authority--" and Gabe could see when the penny suddenly dropped for Barnes.

"What?!"

Cap was speaking more rapidly now, his ashen face set as he met each man's eyes. "He's just a Sergeant; I'm the one in authority here. I didn't give him a choice. I'll sign a confession if you want, tell Phillips what I did, just - please." He swallowed again. "Leave his name out of it."

Barnes was on his feet now. "Wait, what--" he glanced around at the men, back to their Captain. "Steve!"

"Sergeant," Cap said firmly. "Stand down. I'm taking--"

"You're - they're - you're trying to take the fall--"

"Captain," said Gabe. "I know what I heard. 'Bucky, we shouldn't,' and 'I won't risk you' isn't you pressuring. If anything, he pressured you."

Cap shook his head vehemently. "Barnes could never get me to do anything I didn't want to do."

Barnes gave a short humorless laugh. "You're a terrible liar." He looked around at the men. "It's my fault. You all know it. I'm the discipline case here. Besides, if Cap says it's his fault, this unit is done."

"This unit is done anyway," said Dugan. "Soon as Phillips finds out. You know that."

Morita started. "Dugan. We never said--"

"He's the best leader we've fought with," Falsworth pointed out. "We're not confronting them as a warning before going to Phillips. We just needed to let you know that we know," he said to Cap and Barnes. "We haven't decided whether to go to Phillips or not."

"We have to," said Dugan. "I'm not gonna serve with a couple of perverts."

Cap flinched and Barnes made a small noise in his throat.

"Dum Dum... think," said Gabe slowly. "Think about everything this unit's done."

Cap was looking away, shoulders hunched miserably.

"I'm not gonna serve with--" Dugan began again, stubbornly.

"Dernier doesn't want to go to Phillips either," said Gabe, and Dernier nodded. In fact Dernier had said that he personally wouldn't go, but he wasn't standing in anybody's way if they really wanted to. Which apparently Dugan really did.

"Nobody has to go to Phillips," said Cap, standing up. "I'll go to him myself, and resign my commission."

"Like hell," said Dugan, standing too. "You just wanna do that to protect Barnes."

"Which you're not gonna do, Steve," said Barnes, his voice steely.

" _I'm_ going to Phillips," said Dugan. "It was both of you they overheard. Barnes ain't gonna sit this one out."

"They're gonna get cashiered out," Morita pointed out.

"They should've thought of that before signing up."

"Dugan," said Falsworth. "You're talking about the best commander and the best sniper in the service."

"And a couple of perverts."

"This particular pervert saved your life," said Falsworth, pointing at Cap. "He's saved all of our lives."

"And I'm grateful to him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to put up with this kind of..." Dugan trailed off, glaring at them all, and left the barracks.

"Bloody hell," muttered Falsworth.

"I'm sorry," said Cap, swallowing hard.

"It wasn't your fault," said Barnes. "Steve - fuck, I--"

"Pretty sure it was two of you there," said Morita dryly. "From what I heard, anyway."

"Christ. What a bloody mess," said Falsworth in disgust.

"Yeah." Cap locked eyes with Barnes, and straightened. "All right. I'm going to see Phillips."

"I can't let you--"

"I told you what could happen," said Cap, and his voice held no anger or recrimination, just dread and fear. "Please, God, let me at least try to minimize the damage."

"Steve--"

"Bucky. Please."

Barnes's eyes suddenly filled with tears. "Jesus Christ," he whispered. "What the fuck have I done?"

Cap shook his head, his mouth pressed in a line. "Wasn't just you." His hand made an abortive movement towards Barnes, then he took a deep breath and seemed to deliberately force himself to complete the motion, touching Bucky's arm gently, a gesture Gabe had seen him make a thousand times before with Barnes and had never thought of as anything but brotherly. Barnes brought a hand up and covered Cap's with his, and the brief contact seemed to give them both strength. "Bucky. I'm going. You can't stop me."

He turned and followed Dugan in the direction of Phillips's office. Barnes glanced around at the rest of them, his eyes haunted and huge, and followed the Captain.

****

**2.**

They were going to get away with it, thought Gabe in disbelief as Phillips shuffled his papers wearily and his aide looked murderous. They were actually going to get away with it.

Though to be honest, he wasn't surprised that Cap himself was OK. Gabe hadn't really expected him to be hustled off in disgrace; Captain America was just too big to fall. But the fact that Barnes was still here, and still allowed to serve - let alone keep serving in the same unit - was nothing short of incredible.

It had been a long, long day that he never, ever wanted to think about again, after Phillips had taken over a tactics tent, got together with his aide and some Major none of them had ever heard of, and called the Commandos together. He'd spoken one-on-one to each man in turn in the corner of the tent several times, while the rest of them waited silently in a group, sequestered from the rest of the base. Occasionally he'd huddle with his aide and the Major, or get on the phone and talk to only God knew who. Cap had been white-faced and almost silent, Barnes uncharacteristically subdued and guilt-ridden - and after what he'd overheard, Gabe couldn't blame him. Cap might be willing to take full responsibility, but he never would have done anything last night if not for Barnes.

Phillips had been by turns incredulous, livid, disgusted, and unbearably weary. His poor temper had lashed out at all of them, including his hapless aide, who'd taken the initiative to have had both Cap and Barnes handcuffed at one point early on while Phillips was out. Cap and Barnes hadn't protested, sitting side by side and staring at the floor while the other Commandos looked anywhere but at them, but Phillips had stopped short upon entering the tent and given his aide a look that would've caused Gabe to wet his shorts had it been directed at him.

"Lieutenant, I don't know what you're using for brain right now but I don't think I need to tell you that if anyone sees _this_ we're all in serious shit," he'd said. "Uncuff them, you idiot. Did anyone but the Commandos see this?"

"I - an MP brought the cuffs, but I didn't say why--"

Phillips swore colorfully. "Well call him back here right now, find some way to tell him these two were cuffed because we thought they were planning an unsanctioned Hydra base raid and it's all been cleared up. Hopefully he hasn't talked to anyone."

Gabe didn't know - and didn't want to know - what had happened in the two hours that Cap had spent alone with Phillips near the end of the ordeal, looking more scared and upset than he'd ever seen their Captain, even when he was wounded. The dressing-down of a lifetime was happening, he figured that, but even that was odd because at some points Cap seemed to be stubbornly arguing and Gabe couldn't wrap his mind around that. Cap was lucky he wasn't being court-martialled. Somehow putting up a fight over _anything_ seemed incredible.

But now it was over. The cuffs hadn't come back, and Phillips's aide looked like he wanted Cap and Barnes drawn and quartered, and was steeling himself for disappointment. And although the men hadn't talked amongst themselves, if any of their last one-on-ones with Phillips had been like Gabe's, it really looked like they were going to get away with it. And Gabe had no idea how to feel about that.

"Dugan, thank you for coming to me before anyone else," Phillips began briskly. "If there's one thing that's gonna destroy morale, it's for this kind of thing to get out to the general population. Never mind the press." He looked around at them. "Now, you've all agreed to keep this whole sorry business within the unit and keep serving with Captain Rogers, who has agreed to not allow anything like this to happen again. If any of you have a problem with that and you haven't done so before, now's the perfect time to bring it up because I will not thank you for coming in and making me think about any of this again, at any time for the rest of this war or the rest of my life. Speak now or forever hold your peace applies here, men."

He paused for a moment.

"All right. This unit will remain intact. If I could find a replacement for your sniper, believe me, I would. I have spent a great deal of time I do not have trying to discreetly find reassign another sniper, and trying to figure out how to get rid of Barnes. _Without_ having the press try to find out why Bucky Barnes of the Howling Commandos, Captain America's loyal sidekick, is suddenly on assignment to Morocco - or on his way home." He blew out his breath. "I can't. So we're left with business as usual. Bunking assignments will be different when you are out in the field; when there's no separate quarters for officers, Captain Rogers will be assigned quarters with Falsworth and Sergeant Barnes will be with Morita, and let me tell you having to take over bunking assignments like a damned clerk is doing nothing for my digestion."

He glared at Captain Rogers and Barnes. "There is only one reason you two are not being drummed out as you should be, and it is that at this juncture the war effort cannot afford to lose the idea of Captain America and this unit, and what it means to the people back home. But believe me, if I hear one more word of this, Captain America or no, I will have you out of this man's army so fast your spangly outfit will disappear in a puff of red, white, and blue smoke and a blue ticket. No second chances. You two will keep it in your pants, or face consequences. Am I very painfully clear?"

Cap nodded grimly, holding Phillips's gaze steadily, and Barnes murmured, "Yes sir, clear, sir," his eyes on the floor.

Phillips turned back to the Commandos. "You men are expected to continue to show Captain Rogers the obedience and respect you give to any other officer. You are also expected to treat Sergeant Barnes the same as before. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, _absolutely nothing_ of any importance has happened here, and your behavior will reflect that. You've all indicated you can do that, no matter what your personal feelings may be. If you realize you can't, you will be transferred. Honorably and without any negative reflection on your record." He paused and glared at them all. "However, if any of you lets a single word of this get out, I will make you very very sorry."

Phillips turned to the officers beside him. "Lieutenant Ramerson, Major Edwin, none of what has happened in this room leaves this room. I don't need to tell you what a party the Nazis would have if they found out our star soldier's a god-damned invert." The aide gave Cap and Barnes a look of disgusted loathing; the Major simply pressed his lips together and looked highly uncomfortable.

"You're dismissed."

They all stood and filed out.

What now? Were they simply supposed to go back to life as usual? How could they?

Cap cleared his throat as they approached their small barracks building, and Gabe noted that they all stiffened to attention automatically.

Cap checked to make sure the grounds around their building were empty. "I just wanted to say that I appreciate what you're all doing," he began, his voice quiet and low, glancing around at them briefly. "I asked to resign several times to spare you having to... cover up anything." He paused, clearing his throat again. "My lack of judgment put you all in this position. There's no excuse. If there was any way I could make it up to you, I would. I'm sorry." He paused again, meeting each man's eyes seriously. "Now, Colonel Phillips said that this is over and done, but that's not good enough." He took a deep breath. "Does anybody have anything to say?"

There was an agonizing silence, and one by one the men shook their heads. What on earth could they possibly say?

Cap nodded, his mouth pressed into a grim line. "Very well. You're dismissed." He walked off in the direction of the officer's quarters.

Gabe nodded numbly, and went into the barracks building, followed by the rest of the men. He put his pack down on his cot and glanced at Barnes, who was putting his own pack down and quickly picking up his shaving kit and towel.

"I, uh... I won't be staying here much," Barnes said to the rest of them, pulling out clean clothes and adding them to the pile, not facing them. "I still have to sleep here, Phillips said. But you won't see me otherwise." He paused. "I'm... sorry," he said awkwardly, and left without another word.

Gabe sat down on his bed.

" _This is a fucking mess,_ " said Dernier, sitting down and putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

"What did he say?" asked Morita.

"What we're all thinking," Gabe said. "Can we really do this?"

Dugan blew out his breath. "Wonder how Phillips would feel about bunking next to some fairy who's probably peeking at his ass every time he--"

"I doubt that, Dum Dum," said Falsworth. "Besides, he won't be here much."

Morita shook his head. "We're just gonna have to... look, just..." he trailed off. "Don't think about it. Just pretend we didn't hear anything. Like we all told Phillips we were going to."

" _I'm going out into the town,_ " said Dernier suddenly, standing up. " _We don't have tactics practice until tomorrow. I'm going to get nice and drunk between now and then._ "

" _Good luck,_ " said Gabe.

Dernier walked out the door without another word and that was fucking _wrong_ , thought Gabe suddenly. They should all be going out together, damn it. It was their tradition after a mission: end up at some bar, Dernier picking up French girls more to speak his native language than anything else, Dugan and Barnes chatting up dames despite their own lack of French - although now that Gabe thought about it, what the hell did Barnes do with those girls? - and Gabe and Morita and Cap staying behind playing pool. Gabe and Morita because they didn't want to get lynched by less open-minded members of the forces if they were seen with white French girls (not that Gabe would cheat on his Alice anyway, but the option wasn't there) and Cap because... well they'd all thought it was the officer thing, hadn't they? That and having some sort of thing going with Agent Carter, and being kind of old-fashioned and too highly moral to go after French floozies.

So much for that.

Their unit wasn't ever going to be the same. Forget what the outside world saw; they were all uncomfortable, feeling various shades of resentment and confusion, and not a little betrayal.

Betrayal, he realized. _That_ was a big part of what he felt. Cap and Barnes were the center of their amazing unit: brothers, best friends, comrades in arms who knew everything about each other and gave the whole unit a sense of stability and belonging. Barnes's wild stories, his flashing smile, his easy banter with Cap making their somewhat intimidating CO seem somehow more human - one of _them_ , despite the difference in rank and ability.

And it was all based on... Gabe felt his stomach churn.

The door opened and they all scrambled to their feet, startled.

"At ease, men," said Agent Carter, amused. "Have any of you seen Captain Rogers? We're hours past the debrief for your last mission."

There was a dead silence and then Gabe gulped and gave her what he hoped was a casual smile.

"Think he's gone to his quarters, ma'am," he said.

"Thank you, Jones," she said, and walked off, a slight bounce to her step.

All right, that didn't feel good. It was bad enough that they had to keep up the lie to the outside world; lying to Agent Carter just wasn't right. She had a thing for Captain Rogers, and everyone knew it. Only they'd all assumed it was mutual.

"Wonder if she has any idea about him," said Morita, shaking his head.

"Doubt it," said Gabe.

"Doesn't seem right," Dugan muttered. "Knowing he's... the way he is. Good-looking dame wasting herself waiting for..." he trailed off and made an eloquent sound of disgust. "If she wasn't an officer I'd be tempted to let her know, just to see if I have a chance now..."

Falsworth blew out his breath and nodded, and Gabe met Morita's eyes and wondered if he was thinking the same thing. Because whether they felt the same way or not, there was no way either of them could join into any kind of talk about a white lady. The rest of the Commandos might be remarkably open-minded about the race-mixing thing when it came to working together and bunking together, but there was a line to be drawn and openly admiring a white woman probably sailed right over it.

For the first time Gabe wondered dimly what it would be like to be back serving in a colored regiment. No more dealing with the occasional blockheads who made trouble about him and Morita at the base, no more feeling slightly alienated from his own comrades by that difference they almost never acknowledged--

No more pride in being part of one of the most elite and decorated units in the service.

What fucking pride? It was built on a lie, and now a cover-up.

Although at least that was one thing their Captain had never done: he'd never treated him and Morita any different from any of the other men. And if their unit was disbanded, it was doubtful he or Morita would ever get that kind of respect again.

Gabe glanced at Barnes's empty cot and picked up his own shaving kit and towel. Barnes had surely finished showering by now.

"I'm going to clean up," he said numbly. "Morita, after that, you wanna find some wine? Maybe we can try to forget this whole thing happened."

Morita nodded glumly, and they headed off. Their unit was all gone to shit. It didn't matter what they showed the outside world. It had all gone to shit.


	3. Don't Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, Winterstar! You rock :)

"Captain, perimeter secured," said Barnes, coming back to the campfire and putting down his gun. "No surprises. Except that footbridge isn't there any more."

"Good," Cap nodded, and glanced over the map. "We weren't sure we were gonna use it anyway."

"It's only a creek," Falsworth agreed. "We can probably all jump over the bloody thing."

"All right, then, let's finish setting up camp," said Cap. "It's an hour to dusk and we leave at dawn; I'd like us all to get to sleep early."

Gabe nodded and set up his sleeping bag near the fire, his discomfort growing. They'd mostly been on the base these last two weeks, doing tactical exercises, and hadn't really spent any time together as a unit, away from the other troops. Setting up camp should've felt comfortable, easy, getting what rest and relaxation they could before a difficult trek through the woods tomorrow in search of a rumored cache of Hydra weapons. Instead it felt awkward as hell. He glanced at the bedrolls, noting Cap and Barnes had put theirs on opposite sides of the fire, and felt queasy at the memory of how many times they'd gone to sleep next to each other, right in front of all of them.

And none of them had suspected a thing.

"Sir, should we set up sentry duty?" asked Falsworth.

"My intel said there's nobody within a day's march," said Morita. "Don't think there's a need until after dinner."

"Who's got first duty?" asked Gabe.

"I do," said Barnes. "I didn't see anyone while I was out there."

"No, let's have dinner first," said Cap.

"No surprise there," muttered Dugan. Cap's eyes flicked in his direction, but he didn't say anything.

Barnes glanced at Dugan. "I can go now," he said.

"After you eat," said Cap mildly, ignoring Dugan's scowl.

Morita nudged at Dugan as they gathered around the fire, where Dernier was warming a flask of coffee and Falsworth was breaking out the rations. "He's done the same before and you've never objected," Morita muttered.

"I didn't know before, did I?" said Dugan, not bothering to lower his voice.

Morita gave him a quelling look. "I mean he's done the same for all of us," he clarified. "Not just Barnes. We're a small unit; can't have someone on patrol all the time."

There was an uncomfortable silence as they all sat and ate, with Barnes and Captain Rogers as far away from each other as they could be and still be sitting at the same fire.

"Yeah, this is homey," Dum Dum muttered sullenly. Gabe sighed. He wasn't thrilled with what had happened either, and things had been strained in the unit - especially between Cap and Barnes, who made sure to never be alone and addressed each other as impersonally as possible. Dugan's attitude didn't help, though. In front of other troops he was the perfectly respectful subordinate with Cap, and didn't say a word out of place to Barnes. When it was just the Commandos, though? The snide remarks were getting old.

"You want another helping before you go out there?" Dugan asked Barnes coldly, glancing at their rations. "Wouldn't want you to be hungry or anything."

Barnes stared at him, his lips pressed together.

"You'd be more comfortable back home, probably. Plenty to eat there, I hear."

"You know what?" said Barnes mildly, and something in his tone brought Cap's head snapping up.

"Bucky," he said, his voice even.

"No, I've had enough."

"Bucky."

Barnes turned to Dugan. "Dugan, the agreement was we'd never talk about it--"

"Bucky!"

"Shut up!" Barnes turned on Cap, and Cap stared at him. "You just take it, you let him say whatever shit he wants to say--"

"Because if it wasn't for him agreeing to keep his mouth shut, we both could've been court-martialled," said Cap forcefully.

"They don't do that any more!"

"Blue ticketed, then. You wanna live with that? Be grateful! He could--"

"He could shut the fuck up!" Barnes said. He turned back to Dugan. "You asshole, you have no idea what it's like, it's a fucking joke to you - we've loved each other since we were kids, _ten years_ being in love and knowing self-righteous pricks like you think we're wrong and dirty--"

"Bucky!"

"If either of us was a dame we'd get nothing but praise - instead we're treated like lepers, and--"

"Sergeant Barnes, that's enough!" Cap snapped. "You're on sentry duty as of right now. Go."

Barnes's jaw snapped shut and he glared at Cap, his chest heaving. He clenched his fists, stood up, and picked up his gun, stomping away.

Their CO's jaw flexed. "Dugan." He took a deep breath. "We both appreciate all of you staying quiet. But we've done what we promised. Nothing improper has happened again, and--"

"But it did, and you just expect us to--"

"If we could go back and undo what happened, we would," said Cap. "But we can't. And you're right. You are absolutely right, and we should've both been turfed. We owe you. We both know that. But you are not helping."

"Barnes has no business telling anyone--"

"I have been trying since we were kids to get him to shut his mouth, and I've never been able to. I'm not gonna be able to now just because it's soldiers and not nuns that he's mouthing off to."

Dugan glared at him. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Permission granted."

"You're the best commander I've served with, and he's the best sniper out there. But I didn't sign up for this. I was proud to be part of this unit; I'm not anymore. I'm no liar, and I didn't think you were either."

"I asked to resign."

"They should've let you."

"They didn't, and I'm sorry," the Captain said evenly. "But you need to hold up your end of the deal, and stop poking at him, or it won't make any difference what you agreed to do. He's going to snap, and I won't be able to stop him. And you will still be right, and we will both be blue-ticketed out."

"You wouldn't have to go. You could--"

Cap's eyes narrowed. "There is no way in hell I would let Bucky face the music alone, and you know it," he said, his voice glacial. "We will both be run out of the service, and this unit will break up."

"Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to stay quiet, then."

"Maybe you shouldn't have. Decide now whether you're going to or not. If it's gonna be a blue ticket, I'd rather have it come down than hang over all our heads for the rest of the war."

Dugan nodded grimly.

"I'm gonna go talk to him," said Cap, and left the fire.

"It's a sad day when you not only have to keep quiet about a couple of queers, but be careful about their delicate feelings, too," Dugan muttered after Cap left.

Falsworth stared at him. "I happen to agree with Captain Rogers."

"Would you want to hear shit like that said about you?" asked Morita.

Dugan scowled at them. "I'm not a fairy who got caught--"

"No," said Falsworth. "But you're being an arse. We agreed to keep it quiet--"

"And I am--"

"--because we wanted to keep the unit together," Falsworth finished. "There's no point to it if your childish attitude is going to push Barnes over the edge."

"He knows what I think of--"

"We all know what you think, Dum Dum," said Morita. "And you're going to get your ass kicked if you keep saying it."

"I'd like to see him try." Dugan's moustache bristled in indignation.

"I wouldn't," said Falsworth.

"You think I can't take on a limp-wristed--"

"I think I don't want to read the report Captain Rogers will have to write about it if you both behave like schoolboys and end up in the stockade," said Falsworth.

"I don't want to hear this," said Gabe, and got up. "I'm going for a walk." Dernier followed him as the other three continued to argue by the fire.

" _Falsworth and Morita are on Barnes's side, aren't they?_ " asked Dernier grimly.

" _There's no sides,_ " Gabe snapped.

" _Dugan is an honest man, with a strict moral code. He admired the Captain, and Barnes. You can't ask a man like that to ignore something like this, and lie by omission, and expect him to simply take it._ "

" _He shouldn't have agreed in the first place, then,_ " said Gabe impatiently.

" _And be responsible for breaking up this unit?_ " Dernier gave him a hard look. " _Don't be naive. And don't take their side. They're in the wrong, and we all know it. This is politics triumphing over decency._ "

" _There's no sides,_ " Gabe repeated. " _And we all admired them._ " He paused. " _We'd still all admire them if Morita and I hadn't opened our big mouths..._ "

Dernier shook his head. " _You didn't have a choice about that. It was the only right thing to do._ "

Gabe shook his head. " _I'm not so sure any more._ " He stopped, suddenly spotting Cap and Barnes across the clearing.

He and Dernier gazed out at Barnes, pacing with his gun slung over his shoulder, turning with a belligerent expression on his face as Cap called out. Gabe half expected him to snap at his friend, or refuse to talk to him, or - he didn't know what he expected.

He didn't get it. Cap said something, and Barnes's entire demeanor changed, his shoulders slumping as he put his gun down.

Cap came to stand near him, hands in his pockets, looking down and speaking softly, and now Barnes was nodding, a weary, sorrowful look to his eyes. At one point he frowned and started to interrupt Cap, who made a sharp gesture and continued to talk.

Cap finally stopped talking, and Barnes nodded. They stared at the ground for a few moments, and then Barnes looked up, and gave Cap a wry smile.

Cap smiled back, obviously relieved. They gazed at each other for a moment, and it was funny, Gabe had seen those affectionate glances between them so many times and thought nothing of them, but now... now they were so obviously more than just a friendly officer and non-com that it amazed him that none of them had ever guessed.

Then Barnes made a small gesture in Cap's direction and Cap moved back quickly. They both glanced around, spotting Gabe and Dernier, and the easy affection and humor was gone, replaced by identical expressions of wary caution.

Barnes stepped back, shouldering his gun, and snapped off a brisk salute. Cap returned it, nodded, and walked away in the direction of the fire.

**2.**

"Barnes, up there," said Cap a few days later, pointing at the roof of a two-story, half-bombed out building, and Barnes nodded briskly and looked around for an alternate entry to the rubble-filled doorway. Gabe gulped. Not that any of them were gonna be safe on this mission, but the perch didn't look like it was all that steady - or secure. Barnes was gonna be exposed as hell up there.

"Are you sure, sir?" Falsworth asked, eyeing the perch.

Dugan scowled. "We're all gonna be in danger, Falsworth," he said brusquely. "Just because Barnes is..." he trailed off, giving the wall a closer look. He cleared his throat. "Captain."

"Yes?"

"That's... pretty exposed. No cover for Barnes, if anybody happens to look."

Cap nodded. "I know."

Dugan's jaw jutted out. "You don't have to prove anything, just because--"

"Give me another option, then," said Cap grimly.

Dugan scanned the buildings. Gabe and Morita looked too, and exchanged a glance. There really wasn't anywhere else. They all shook their heads.

" _What's the problem?_ " Dernier nudged him.

" _The Captain's looking for a better place to put Barnes than up there,_ " Gabe explained, pointing up.

" _Why? He doesn't want his boy hurt?_ " Dernier asked. Gabe gave him a shove and neglected to translate for the others.

Falsworth rolled his eyes. "I didn't need to know French to understand that. Dernier, kindly take your tete out of your cul. Did I pronounce that correctly?" He glanced around the buildings, shaking his head. "Sorry, Captain. I can't see anywhere else either."

Barnes gave Dernier a blank look, Captain Rogers a quick nod, shouldered his gun and started to scale up a half-crumbled wall to the roof. Gabe glanced at their Captain as the rest of them headed off to their ambush positions, and - the mission was dangerous, nobody _wasn't_ in danger, Cap most of all, but suddenly Gabe looked up at Barnes and tried to imagine what it would be like to be his CO, sending him up there.

Ten years, Barnes had said. They were closer than brothers; they were lovers, had been for ten years, had been through life and death together. I love you, they'd both murmured, and talked about wishing they could be married.

Could Gabe send Alice up to an exposed perch like that, and go on as if nothing was wrong? Could he see Alice going anywhere near combat, know she was risking herself in any way, and not have it eat away at him?

Fairy or not, Cap had balls of steel. Gabe hunkered down to wait for the Hydra transport to roll by.

It wasn't as if Barnes's danger level today was all that far out of the ordinary, he told himself. They were soldiers, after all. Morita mainly did communications, but Dernier worked with explosives, for God's sake, and Falsworth often played around with Hydra weapons that he wasn't familiar with, and that could probably kill him if he wasn't careful. The Captain, more often than not, ended up doing hand-to-hand, and got broken bones and gunshot wounds that, no matter how quickly they healed, hurt a hell of a lot and might very well kill him one of these days.

None of them was safe. They'd be lucky if they didn't all get killed - _today_ , never mind during the rest of the war.

And yet today was working out all right, they realized a few hours later as the Hydra trucks rolled past and everything went off like clockwork, and they captured the enemy shipment. Morita's intercepted intel had been flawless, Barnes had picked off the one man who could've given them away before everything was perfectly in place, Dernier's explosives had gone off right on time, they just needed to secure the eight or ten Hydra goons who were running off into the bush and then make sure that--

And then the building under Barnes collapsed.

"Barnes!" Gabe shouted, and he, Dugan, and Falsworth exchanged a horrified look. They turned to Cap, who had just seen the building fall, and who wrenched himself from the scene and kept running into the forest.

"Bloody hell," Falsworth grunted as they ran. "D'you think Barnes survived that?" 

"Dunno," muttered Dugan. "God damn it."

They quickly captured nine Hydras and secured them, Cap barking out rapid-fire commands over the radio to their back-up support to come and deal with "possible friendly casualties" back at the site ASAP. He was as pale as the day they'd been found out, but seemed otherwise unaffected.

Wasn't like Gabe and his Alice, then. Of course; two fellas, they couldn't be the same. No way would Gabe be just talking over the radio and staying with the prisoners if Alice was buried under a ton of rubble. He'd be racing back, the hell with everything else, to tear the place apart with his bare hands. 'Course if Cap did that they'd all be up shit's creek because there were only four of them, and only one was a Super-soldier, and Hydra goons were slippery bastards even with their weapons removed and all handcuffed together, but what kind of man could just ignore his... his lover like that? For the sake of a damn mission?

"All right, we don't need all of us here," said Cap, going off the radio. "Falsworth, head back to the site. See if they have any of those XK4 weapons the reports talked about." He paused. "And radio me back if you hear anything about that building," he added, his voice low.

Falsworth nodded. "I will. He'll be all right, Captain. He may not have been on that wall at all; he may have been on his way down. Everything was winding down."

"He hadn't been told to come down yet," Cap pointed out, his voice bleak. Falsworth nodded and left.

An hour later, they finally decided to chance bringing the prisoners back themselves rather than keep waiting for back-up and risk having them escape into the bush. As they entered the small farmsite, Gabe and Dugan struggling to keep up with their Captain despite the fact that he was carrying three times as much of the Hydra prisoners' equipment as they were, Gabe heard Dernier shouting.

" _Captain!_ " Dernier ran straight for them, in the middle of a crowd of soldiers who quickly took control of the Hydra prisoners. " _Jones - he's all right, Barnes, the medics got him, just a sprained ankle--_ "

Gabe rapidly translated for the Captain, who stared at him expressionlessly. "He's all right, sir, he's at the hospital tent--"

Cap closed his eyes and leaned forward, putting his hands to his knees and his head down, breathing deeply.

"It's all right. He's all right," said Dugan brusquely, taking Cap's arm and pulling him to the hospital tent. They hurried, and if Gabe had thought Cap was unemotional before, he was kicking himself for it now. Cap's eyes were blank, his fists clenching and unclenching, and he looked just about ready to collapse. Dugan, holding on to his arm grimly, seemed to be the only reason he didn't.

"Oh thank God - he's in there, sir," said Falsworth, coming out. "Sorry, the radio took some damage, I couldn't get through - the medics said he'll be fine in a day or two. He's the only casualty - the only one in the tent right now, as a matter of fact."

They trooped into the tent and Barnes was looking a bit of a mess, covered in dust and dirt, but Gabe glanced over him and the blood and bruises seemed minimal.

Cap moved forward slowly, and Barnes sat up and gave him a small half-smile. "Sorry, sir, gonna be out of commission for a while," he said, his voice hoarse from the dust. "Then again, what do they know, right? Brooklyn boys can take a little fallen concrete."

Cap nodded numbly.

"I'm all right," said Barnes. Cap nodded again, opened his mouth, and then closed it. "Seriously, it looks a lot worse than it is."

"Yeah, well it looked like a house fell on you, you jerk," said Cap, his voice unsteady. Barnes's impatient look softened.

"I'm fine. It didn't. I landed under a big slab and it covered me, I guess." Barnes glanced around at the other Commandos. "I'm fine, Steve. Sprained ankle and a mouthful of dust, is all."

Cap nodded, and Gabe suddenly realized he was shaking, hands gripped into tight fists.

"Hey, you're just getting yours for all those times I thought you were dying, right?" said Barnes gently, and Cap gave a sharp laugh that barely missed ending in a sob.

"Good to see you're fine, Barnes," said Morita suddenly. "Fellas, let's go outside."

Dugan and Dernier frowned and Cap raised his eyebrows.

"You can say whatever you want," said Morita. "We'll be outside. We'll let you know if anybody's coming who shouldn't overhear... anything."

Cap's eyes widened.

"Go on, sir," Falsworth said uncomfortably. "Come on," he put a hand on Dugan's shoulder and pushed him out the door, and Gabe blinked and did the same to Dernier.

The men left the tent, and Gabe glanced back, catching a glimpse of the Captain finally moving closer to the bed, and then hesitantly sitting down. Barnes reached out for him, pulling Cap's head onto his shoulder and Cap seemed to suddenly lose his rigidity, clinging to Barnes tightly. Gabe paused at the door and Barnes eyes met his. Barnes hesitated, then mouthed, "Thank you," and turned back to Cap, murmuring in his ear.

Gabe closed the door behind them.


	4. Don't Judge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you, Winterstar!

It wasn't until a few weeks later that Morita finally had enough of the careful silence and formality between the two friends, and called an end to it. Dum Dum was making more of an effort, and Dernier had never made much of an overt fuss, but there was still that reserve, especially when they made camp and Barnes and the Captain slept as far away from each other as possible, or in separate tents.

It was affecting morale. None of them had realized how much their working well as a group relied on their Captain and Sergeant having a free, easy friendship until it wasn't there any more. Until they hardly ever saw each other, almost never spoke, and quickly became self-conscious around everyone else.

Their CO's injury that day hadn't been that bad, relatively speaking. Nothing like the time a few months back, when he'd had to have _twelve_ bullets dug out of him in the field - and if Gabe lived a hundred years he'd never be able to forget how it felt to dig around in Cap's shoulder while Cap did his best to hold still and stubbornly refused to scream, holding Barnes's hand so tight Barnes had had bruises for a week. The best part had been when he'd passed out from the pain, eight bullets in. But this latest injury hadn't exactly been a picnic. Cap's back was a mangled mess from the shrapnel that had pierced through the uniform, bandages cinched tight to keep his ribs in place, and sure, it was gonna heal within two days, but in the meantime he was miserable no matter how much he tried to hide it.

Gabe sighed wearily as he finished setting up the tents. They'd thought they'd be back on base tonight, but between Cap's injury and the cache of Hydra weapons that it was gonna take Falsworth three times as long as they'd thought to go through, they were stuck for at least another night. Probably more.

The Captain was slowly heating their dinner by the fire, his movements painful and stiff. Barnes was stoically working on the campsite, avoiding even looking at their CO, as he'd avoided being near him while Morita tended to him. Barnes's body language radiated tension, as it had ever since the blast. Nobody had been worried about their CO after the first couple of seconds, but it still had to be difficult seeing someone you cared about hurt and know there was nothing you could do to help. Not like the last few times, when he'd sat with Cap through field treatment and stayed with him afterwards, joking and telling stories to keep his mind off the pain.

"All right, it's ready," said Cap, and they all took their places at the fire and tucked in. Cap reached out to stir the pot and abruptly halted his movement, hissing slightly in pain and dropping the ladle.

"Are you all right, sir?" asked Falsworth, and Captain Rogers nodded, taking a quick breath and giving him a tight smile.

"Just a bit of shrapnel," he said reassuringly, though his voice was strained. "I told you, it's fine."

"I - I honestly thought--"

"Wasn't your fault, Falsworth," said Dugan.

Falsworth scowled into his beans, his lips pressed tight together.

"Falsworth, I told you it's all right," Cap insisted, a note of impatience creeping into his voice. "Been hurt a lot worse before. Hell, I've been hurt a lot worse back home."

"Believe him," said Barnes dryly. "Single-handedly kept Miller's Pharmacy on our block in business."

"I wasn't that bad," said Cap. Barnes snorted and rolled his eyes, and suddenly it felt almost like old times.

"At least now you're not getting hurt picking fights 'cause you're too dumb to back down from a bigger guy," said Barnes, and Gabe, as always, had trouble picturing their CO as a mouthy little guy. He exchanged a smile with Morita. "'Course now they got weapons. But hey, at least you heal faster."

Cap shook his head, amused. "You should talk. I never got my ribs broken from picking a fight with _four_ other guys."

"It was one time!" Barnes protested.

"Four?" said Morita, chuckling. "What did they do?"

Cap and Barnes's eyes met briefly, and Barnes opened his mouth to respond.

"Called me a cocksucking little fairy," said Cap.

Barnes blinked, and Gabe wondered what he'd been about to say as a sudden awkward silence fell.

"Got my mouth washed out with soap when I tried to explain that to Sister Louise," Barnes broke the silence, and Gabe found himself unexpectedly laughing along with Falsworth and Morita, imagining Barnes saying those words to a _nun_. Barnes grinned wryly. "Which hurt like a sonofabitch with the ribs and all."

"You were still in the orphanage?" Falsworth asked.

Barnes nodded. "We were fourteen. She threatened to have me transferred somewhere else if I couldn't get along with the other boys in the neighbourhood. They were punks anyway."

"We were all targets at the orphanage," said Cap. "They called us every name in the book; beat us up just for fun. We didn't have parents to give a damn." He gazed at the fire. "I wonder where they ended up."

"Who cares," said Barnes, grimacing. "Best part about leaving the orphanage: never having to think about those assholes again." He paused, glanced at Cap. "I can't believe you said that."

"Got tired of the other version," said Cap shortly. He gave Barnes a tight smile. "You were gonna tell the nun story again, right?"

"Nun story?" asked Dugan.

"The nun story," said Cap. "That's what he's always said when we told anyone about it. That those punks were saying nasty things about one of the nicer nuns, and he stood up for her." He shifted again, trying to get comfortable, glanced at Barnes. "You turned me into a _nun_ , pal. I kept telling you to come up with a better version."

Gabe chuckled with the others, and then frowned, suddenly wondering how many of Barnes's stories had significant omissions or changes. How many of his wild tales had nothing to do with some dame he'd tried to impress or some crazy dare.

He wondered if Barnes had fought those kids because they'd already known way back then that they were... that way. If those kids had called Cap a fairy because they were punks, or because of something Cap had done. If the nun story had been invented because it was embarrassing to Cap to have Barnes fight for him, or because what had been said hit too close to home.

He sure as hell wasn't gonna ask.

"I'll take first sentry duty," said Falsworth once they were done.

"Dernier's on first," Cap said.

"I don't mind, sir--"

"I'm only gonna say this one last time, Falsworth: it wasn't your fault," Cap said firmly. "You couldn't have known what would happen. If you knew how those things reacted with 100% accuracy, you'd be a Hydra operative and we'd be in big trouble." Falsworth nodded reluctantly. "I'm all right," he repeated. "No permanent harm done. And Dernier is on first duty. The rest of us, time to finish setting up and turn in." He stood up slowly, and Barnes made a small noise in his throat.

"You sure you're all right, sir?" Barnes said, his voice low.

Cap nodded stiffly. "Fine, Sergeant." He moved carefully towards his equipment, while Barnes chewed on his lip and headed off for his own gear, frustration evident in every line of his body.

"You know something?" Morita muttered as he grabbed his own pack. "This is bullshit." He raised his voice. "Falsworth?"

"Yes?"

"I'm gonna share with you."

"Beg pardon?"

"Change of tent assignments," Morita announced, standing up. "I'm bunking with Falsworth."

Dugan and Dernier scowled.

"Morita--" Cap began.

"Barnes snores like a freight train, sir," said Morita.

"And you talk in your sleep, Captain," said Falsworth, not missing a beat. He grabbed his pack. "Come on, Morita. Good night everyone."

Cap and Barnes stared at each other as Falsworth and Morita disappeared into one of the two-man tents, then Cap turned to Gabe and Dernier.

Dernier blew out his breath. " _I don't care any more, they can do whatever they want,_ " he muttered under his breath at Gabe, and headed into the three-man tent where he'd put his own equipment.

"Come on, let's get some shut-eye." Gabe grabbed Dugan by the arm and pulled him to the tent.

"The Colonel said--"

"The Colonel said he didn't ever want to hear about this again," Gabe said, leaving Cap and Barnes outside. " _I'm_ sure as hell not gonna say anything." He lowered his voice, because there was no way Cap's enhanced hearing wouldn't hear him otherwise. "They're not gonna do anything, Dum Dum. Not just 'cause the Captain's hurt, either. The time we overheard them, they were--" Gabe cleared his throat. "They'd been sharing a tent for weeks but Barnes said they hadn't, um, been together in a long time. I don't think, if they know anybody can walk in on them..."

"So why let them share a tent now?" Dugan said, his voice belligerent. Gabe grimaced. So much for being discreet and not making them feel awkward.

"Because it's the decent thing to do." Gabe glared at Dugan. "I don't like to think about what they could get up to if there was nobody else around either. But they're pals too. Let 'em just have some time to not have to worry that somebody's gonna be judging that they're standing too close or... or smiling at each other, or whatever the hell it is that you and Dernier don't like to see."

" _I don't approve of this,_ " said Dernier, looking up from his gun as he heard his name. " _Just in case you're telling him I do. I just don't care enough to go against you and Falsworth and Morita as you play matchmaker to a couple of..._ "

" _Shut up_ ," said Gabe without heat, and got into his sleeping bag. " _And go on sentry duty. Wake me up when you're done._ "

**2.**

After that it just seemed silly to go back to what Phillips had told them to do. Barnes had tried to move his roll back into Morita's tent the second night they were stuck on that site, and Morita had only said, "You still snore, Barnes."

And it helped. A lot. Gabe - when he thought about it at all, which he tried very hard not to - really didn't think anything happened in that tent that shouldn't happen, and Cap and Barnes were still more formal with each other than they had been before but... well, he supposed it was different knowing they would at least be able to relax around each other once in a while when they were out on the field, rather than never being able to let down their guard. They were formal but not awkward. The entire unit was working better, however much Dugan's moustache got stiff with disapproval at the end of the night when they were in the field - which was getting more and more frequent as the war wore on. At least he kept his opinions to himself.

Dugan probably wouldn't be keeping his opinions to himself right now if he were here though. Things had gotten back to normal enough for Gabe and Morita to invite Barnes along with them on their leave time, for the first time since what Gabe was beginning to think of as The Shed Incident. Which had been fun, but they were so disgracefully drunk they'd gotten lost on the way back to their latest campsite. It had taken them forever to figure out where the hell they were; one bombed-out French village looked very much like another, and the forests were all the same.

"You gonna be sober enough for your sentry duty?" slurred Gabe at Morita, and Morita nodded.

"Yeah. Sure. We're about an hour's walk away, right?"

"'f we don' get lost again," slurred Barnes.

"So fuckin' tireda sleepin' in a tent," said Gabe. "Smells like cats, I swear. Can't wait to get back to base."

"Not 'till Falsworth'n'Dernier figure out how to disarm those Hydra bombs withou' blowin' the whole place up," said Barnes.

"Yeah, this way 's just us gets blown up," said Gabe.

"I don' mind."

"Don' wanna share barracks with Dum Dum, huh?" asked Morita.

Barnes shrugged. "Don' mind him so much." He was silent for a few minutes. "I uh... I really..." his steps stumbled to a halt and he gazed at both of them with drunken sincerity. "I know I never said nothin'... didn' know what to say, really. But." He cleared his throat. "I really 'preciate you guys. Doin' what you did, with field bunking." He cleared his throat again, going red. "I - I mean, we ain't - nothin' - you don' hafta worry that anything's... you know... uh." He stopped, gave a small laugh. "This is why we didn' say nothin', I guess. 'Cause, uh. Still. Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem," said Gabe, and Morita nodded as well. They walked in silence for a few moments, and Gabe cast about for some other, less wildly uncomfortable topic.

"You don't ever... you know?" Morita suddenly blurted, and Gabe nearly tripped. "I - sorry, man, none a my business, I guess I just sorta assumed that--"

Barnes's mouth quirked slightly and he waved off Morita's apology. "Not - no. I mean, uh." He shrugged and looked away from them. "I guess technically..." He swallowed. "Um... kissin', a bit, sometimes," he said softly. He sighed. "Once in a long, long time, after everyone's asleep. 'N it's great, don't get me wrong. I wish..." he sighed. "But he'd never. Never again, not till we're back Stateside. Tha's a long time to be right next to each other'n not be able to do more'n jus' kiss. He - he won' risk it."

"Really?" said Gabe, immediately telling himself he was nowhere near drunk enough to excuse being curious about whether or not two of his team-mates had sex, for God's sake.

Barnes shook his head, and the movement threw him off-course slightly. He straightened himself. "Sez it's 'is fault, jus' cause--"

"I know what I heard," Gabe snorted. "'f anything, it was your fault, man."

Barnes's shoulders hunched down miserably. "I know that. Think I don' know that?"

"How long before that?" Morita asked. "How long had it been?"

" _Weeks_. Since the last time we were on base. At his place on the base, real late at night when we were both off-duty an' nobody was aroun' an' nobody was watchin' who went where, an' nobody could hear..." Barnes kicked at a stone. "One hour, tha's all, no sleepin' in the same place, no nothin'. Just wham bam thankyou sir, then out the door. 'Cause tha's all a couple perverts want, right?" he said bitterly. "Now we ain't even gonna have that again till after the War. If we even survive."

Damn, but Barnes was a maudlin drunk.

He took a long shuddering breath and squared his shoulders. "'S better, 'course it's a lot better, sharin' the tent," he said, his voice subdued. "We're pals. But... Jesus. It's hard. Really hard. He... he's a real stickler for keepin' yer word, an' doin' what's right, an' we don't do more'n kiss an' even that's just real quick 'cause what if somebody comes in. An' - an' sometimes we jerk off 'cause shit, everyone jerks off, at least we're in the same place'n we can pretend... he talks real quiet an' I pretend it's him touchin' me, and I pretend I'm touchin' him 'stead of myself, an' it's... it's better'n nothin', sure, but..." he trailed off.

Morita nodded solemnly. "I'm starting to be real sorry we said anything."

"Nah. Not yer fault. 'M just glad we get to sleep in th' same place again. Thanks," he said, having trouble focussing on Morita.

_Damn_ , they were drunk.

"So... never, wow," said Morita. "Shit."

"C'n you picture Captain America riskin' it all again for a roll in the hay?" Barnes shook his head. "Nah. Kissin' an' jerkin' off and dirty talk y'can hardly hear. Tha's all." He breathed deeply. "Wish I could fuck him," he said, his voice low. "Wish it all the time."

"You fuck him? Really? How's that work?"

"Used to be he'd fuck me, when he was a little guy, 'cause I didn't want him to feel like I thought he was a dame," Barnes said. "Took a few years for 'im to lie down for me."

Morita hesitated. "So he's the dame now?"

"Nah."

"'Cause... y'know, there were these two guys back home, one was pretty he-man but th' other one..."

Barnes shook his head. "Nah, I know, we got fairies too back home. Can't even do that right; we're neither one of us the dame." Barnes sighed. "Used to be he'd fuck me, but then we found out we liked it th' other way an' we started switchin'. But I was always so worried, 'cause he'd - he'd tell me ta fuck 'im through the floor, but I didn' wanna hurt 'im." Barnes smiled. "Tha's a great thing 'bout him bein' so strong now, I c'n do what I want an' he loves it... God I miss 'im." He stopped walking and closed his eyes, rubbing his face wearily. "Feels like we're hungry all the time. I c'n feel 'im lookin' at me at night. He... he says my name sometimes when he's dreaming. I miss 'im so fuckin' much. Even if he's right there."

Gabe cleared his throat. "Come on, fellas," he said. "Let's hurry up."

They walked in silence for a few moments, and then Barnes spoke up. "'sfunny. I never told anyone any o' that. We never told anybody anything." He paused. "Nobody. Nobody ever knew 'bout us. 'Cept the priest at the orphanage, 'cause of Confession. Nobody knew - nobody, ever."

"What'd your priest say?" asked Gabe.

"The usual, lotsa Hail Marys an' don't do it again." He grinned crookedly. "You fellas never wondered why two good Catholic boys never went to church? I mean, me, yeah, I'm not the type, but you never wondered about Steve?"

Gabe blinked. He had, once or twice. Dernier went whenever he could, and he'd seen the Captain go into Catholic churches, but never for Mass.

"He didn' take Communion, for years, 'cause he couldn't go to Confession and get absolution if we weren't gonna stop."

"Doesn't that mean you're... you know, gonna go to hell?" asked Morita.

"According to the nuns, yeah," Barnes nodded. "Steve ain't taken Communion since he rescued us."

Gabe frowned. "How could he, before?"

"We weren't... together, when I shipped out," said Barnes slowly. "He'd sent me away to live on my own a few months before, y'know, tryin' to do the right thing. For about the fourth time." He chuckled bitterly. "My last night Stateside, I went home with some girl whose name I don' even remember. Thinkin' about him the whole time." He cleared his throat. "Never told nobody that."

"I'm sorry," said Morita. "I'm real sorry everyone knows now, 'cause of us."

"So'm I," said Barnes ruefully. "But in a way... it's almost nice to not have to hide."

Gabe nodded thoughtfully. Suddenly 'nobody... nobody ever...never told...' sounded awfully lonely.

"Would you, if you could?" asked Morita.

"Would I what?"

"Not just go to sleep together."

"Fuck yeah," breathed Barnes. He sighed. "But I'd never even say nothin', not now. I got 'im into this mess..."

"Who'd know, though? I mean, out here?"

"What?"

Morita rolled his eyes. "Barnes. We're in the middle of a god-damn forest. You could screw yourselves stupid and nobody would know."

Barnes shook his head. "He'd never agree. Too risky."

"What risk? Nobody around. Some damn French cows, and they wouldn't care. Only us seven here. Me and Jones don't give a shit, guarantee you Falsworth doesn't either--"

"Dugan--"

"Dugan and Dernier wouldn't say nothin'," said Gabe. "An' if Dernier did, I wouldn't translate."

Why was he agreeing with Morita? Even hinting that his buddy and his CO should get their rocks off out here, military regulations be damned?

Because they were probably all gonna die, that's why. And he might not think what they were doing was right, but maybe it wasn't up to him to judge. And they were gonna do it anyway, soon as they got back home. Not like they were gonna stop being perverts at the end of the War.

They were almost sober by the time they got back to the campsite. The night air, the cold, the two-hour walk back - all of it cleared their heads, and by the time they were back they'd stopped talking a while ago and Gabe wondered if Barnes regretted saying what he'd said.

Gabe looked at his watch. Made it right on time, and there was Dernier on sentry duty, looking relieved to see Morita. And the light was on inside Barnes and Cap's tent.

"All right. Good night," said Barnes at his door, and Morita suddenly narrowed his eyes and leaned forward.

"Uh. Captain?" he called into the tent. Barnes looked back.

"Morita?"

"Tell Cap I wanna see him," said Morita.

Barnes frowned, and held the door open. There was a noise from inside the tent, and Cap appeared.

"Morita?" he said.

Morita chewed on his lip for a moment. "I uh, sorry, sir, we all got kinda drunk."

"You were off-duty. I figured you would," said Cap, his eyes fond as he took in Barnes's slightly disheveled state. "You don't need someone else to take over your sentry duty, do you?"

"No sir."

"I'll be fine for my shift too, sir," said Barnes, his slur almost completely gone. "I'm on in two hours."

"I'll go on duty with Morita for the first little while, sir," Gabe offered. "Between the two of us we'll be fine."

"Good," Cap nodded. "Was that all?"

Morita shook his head. "Um - well, Barnes can tell you what he went off about, but I wanted you both to know that we'll be on duty for two hours. And we're gonna be looking to make sure nobody's gonna attack the camp, but it's no trouble to also make sure nobody comes near your tent without you knowing."

Barnes and Cap frowned at him, lost, and then Barnes's eyes widened slightly.

Morita held his gaze. "You've got two hours. You don't need to worry that anybody'll hear anything. Me and Jones'll warn you."

Now a light dawned on Cap's face and he quickly glanced at Barnes, who was gaping at Morita in disbelief. "Bucky?"

"I didn't - Morita, I didn't ask--"

"No, you didn't, but--"

"No," said Cap. "No, you don't have to - we said that--"

Morita nodded. "I know you did, but--"

"Steve," said Barnes softly, and Cap turned to him, and their eyes locked for a long moment. Barnes swallowed. "Steve, I didn't ask," he said, and the longing in his eyes and voice were almost palpable. "I swear, I didn't, but..."

"Bucky, we promised," Cap said gently. Barnes let out his breath and dropped his gaze, nodding tiredly. Cap's expression was unreadable as he gazed at Barnes's bowed head.

"It's our fault the two of you got found out," said Morita, his chin set. "And nobody should have to be too scared to - anyway. You got two hours. Sir." He saluted briefly, and jerked his chin at Gabe. "Jones? You coming?"

"Jones?" said Cap faintly.

"Two hours, sir," said Gabe, who hadn't realized until that moment that he was going to facilitate whatever might happen in that tent. "Good night."

They headed off, leaving Cap still staring after them.

"Sorry, I shoulda asked you first," said Morita once they were out of earshot.

"No," said Gabe. "I mighta said no." He shouldered his rifle. "Can't believe we're doing this..."

"I mean it. I don't care what's wrong or not; that sounded pretty fucked up, what Barnes talked about all the look-but-don't-touch."

"Yeah." Gabe sighed and headed off to his duty and tried not to think of what might be going on inside that tent right now. Tried not to think of the hopeless desire in Barnes's face and voice.

What Barnes had said... had sounded really fucking lonely. Really pretty pathetic, too. Ten years; ten years of being together and nobody knowing. Trying to stay apart and then getting back together, over and over.

Ten years. Damn, Gabe couldn't even remember who he'd been sweet on ten years ago. Millie? Eileen? Calilly? Gozer's sister, what was her name again?

Cap came to the door when they came to get Barnes for his shift. He nodded to Morita and Gabe.

"Barnes is still a little drunk, so I'm taking his turn," he said casually, and Morita and Gabe exchanged a glance. There was nothing outwardly strange in that; Cap had taken sentry duty for the rest of them before, what with needing a lot less rest and never getting drunk himself that Gabe had ever witnessed. Not that he ever drank much, what with being an officer and all.

"Right, sir," said Morita, and he and Gabe saluted and turned to head back to their tents.

"Oh - fellas, hang on," said Cap. Morita and Gabe turned back. Cap stood for a moment, looking hesitant. "Uh. I just. Thank you. I wanted to thank you both." He swallowed. "You don't - you didn't have to do that."

"Nobody should feel like what Barnes said," said Morita quietly. "I don't - I don't pretend to understand, but... whenever I'm on duty, you don't have to feel like that."

Cap gazed at him. "Thank you."

"That goes for me too, sir," said Gabe, surprising himself. Cap cleared his throat and rubbed a hand through his hair, looking almost... lost. Like he had no idea how to respond to them. Finally he nodded and shouldered his gun, and went off into the night.

**3.**

It became part of their routine. Whenever he or Morita had sentry duty, they'd let Cap and Barnes know that they had two hours. And Cap would quietly thank them afterwards. It was weird as hell, having your CO thank you for the opportunity to screw your company sniper. Or - well, from what Barnes had said, the opportunity to possibly be screwed by the company sniper.

Falsworth noticed - or, more likely, Morita told him. Which was a little weird, but what the hell - and now Falsworth was in on it too. As for Dernier and Dugan, who knew what they thought. Gabe suspected they both knew what was going on, but sure as hell wasn't gonna ask.

Gabe was on duty one night, pacing around and listening to the sound of frogs in the forest, when Morita jogged up to him.

"Hey, Jones, got a radio message. We're getting company. No, not that kind," he said as Gabe immediately stiffened and gripped his gun tighter. "Phillips and Agent Carter. Apparently there's some kind of big urgent news for the Captain."

Gabe glanced at Cap and Barnes's tent. He'd just left them about fifteen minutes ago, and Dernier was on sentry duty next. It was their first night out in the field in two weeks; it didn't take a genius to guess what was probably going on right now.

"When are they getting here?"

"About an hour," said Morita.

Gabe pressed his lips together and wondered if he looked even half as reluctant as he felt. "OK. I'll... I'll let Cap know."

Morita chuckled. Apparently he did. "Better you than me. Getting an earful once was enough for a lifetime." He shrugged. "Then again, I'm the one who got Falsworth outta that working girl's bedroom near Strasbourg when we were about to get jumped. Saw a lot more of that man than I ever wanted to see."

Gabe chuckled and turned to the tent, approaching quietly. He leaned close to knock on the frame, and froze as he heard a gasp from inside.

Rustling. Another gasp, answered by a soft moan.

No surprise, they weren't sleeping. He glanced at his watch.

"Yeah - please, God, yeah," a voice whispered, he couldn't tell which one, and nobody who was even a foot away would've been able to hear anything. Just Gabe's luck that here he was, trying to figure out a polite way to put a stop to--

Another gasp, a choked-off moan - that sounded like Cap, and--

The hell with it. He wasn't gonna interrupt them in the middle of anything. The others weren't gonna be here for an hour, Morita had said. He quietly crept away from the tent.

"What?" Morita raised his eyes as he went by the fire and he gave what he hoped was the appropriate facial signal for, "Captain and Sergeant engaged in tactical maneuvers, would rather start wearing nothing but a corset in public than interrupt right now." Morita smirked at him and took another sip of his coffee and Gabe continued into the forest.

Fifteen minutes later, he was back at the tent. And thank God, that was voices he heard inside, sleepy murmurs and rustling that could've come from any tent holding tired soldiers settling down at the end of the day in the field.

"Sir?" Sudden silence. "It's Jones, sir," he said, and there was the sound of breath being let out and movement inside the tent.

"Be there in a minute, Jones," said Cap, and Gabe could hear clothing rustle. The door opened. "Yeah?" Cap said, barefoot and in undershirt and pants, face slightly flushed.

"Morita got a radio message, sir," said Gabe, glancing into the tent before he remembered that probably wasn't a good idea and taking in Barnes sitting up on the bed in an undershirt, hair a mess, eyes a little dazed. He snapped his gaze back to Cap, telling himself not to think about the fact that the other bed was still neatly made, and oh God, the tent smelled like sex. "Colonel Phillips, sir. He'll be here in about forty minutes or so."

Cap's eyebrows went up. "Right now?" he checked his watch. "At one in the morning?"

Gabe nodded.

Cap blinked. "OK." He glanced back at Barnes, who was getting up and pulling on his pants. "Did the message say he wanted to talk to the whole unit?"

"No sir, I don't think so."

Gabe headed for the fire, getting a coffee from Morita, and Cap joined him after a few minutes, getting coffees for himself and Barnes while Barnes moved his pack into Morita's tent.

"Here," said Cap, handing Barnes a coffee with the half packet of sugar Barnes liked, and sat down with his own coffee. He glanced at his shield. "Wonder what the big deal is," he mused, picking it up.

Falsworth emerged from Morita's tent, rubbing his eyes and yawning as he tossed his gear into Cap's tent and joined the rest of them at the fire.

"Didn't sound like we were gonna be deployed right away," said Morita.

"You could go back to sleep," said Cap to Barnes, and Barnes shook his head.

"Nah. Too curious now."

"Fair enough." Cap drained his coffee and set down his cup, and Barnes handed him a rag to polish the shield. Cap took it with a nod of thanks, starting in on the shield as they all waited by the fire.

It wasn't right, what they did, thought Gabe. It didn't matter that the unit felt more relaxed these days, that Cap and Barnes were almost back to how they'd been before, that Dum Dum and Dernier were possibly also going along with it all. It still wasn't quite right.

Then again, it was a little like going to whorehouses, wasn't it? Or getting stinking drunk whenever they had the chance. That wasn't right either. Alice hated it when he got drunk back home, and he didn't blame her, but here he did it anyway. And Falsworth's wife and Dugan's girl back home wouldn't want to know about what they did over here either, but...

They were all putting themselves out here, risking life and limb. Maybe they deserved the chance to grab what happiness they could, especially if they weren't hurting anyone.

" _Why's everyone up?_ " asked Dernier, coming out of the tent. Gabe told him as Dernier got himself a coffee too, glanced at Barnes, then rolled his eyes. " _Tell Barnes to do up his collar,_ " he said to Gabe.

Gabe glanced over. "Barnes. Collar," he said shortly, disturbed that he hadn't noticed the mark himself.

Damn, Gabe suddenly recalled. Barnes used to wear those like a badge of pride after supposedly picking up some French girl. Another thing that had changed.

Oh, and that put one particular question to rest: Dernier definitely knew. Oh well.

Cap was determinedly not looking at Barnes as Barnes buttoned up, his blush easy to see even in the firelight. They all looked up as Dugan joined them at the fire.

"We having a midnight cookout?" asked Dugan.

"Phillips and Agent Carter are coming," said Morita, holding out a coffee mug. Dugan took it and sat down.

The silence of the night was broken by the distant roar of a vehicle, quickly becoming louder as a jeep came into view.

"Captain Rogers," said Colonel Phillips, not getting out of the jeep. He returned Cap's salute and glanced around. "It wasn't necessary to wake up your whole unit. We're just stopping by to bring you to a meeting."

"They were all up anyway, sir," said Cap. He returned Agent Carter's smile. "A meeting?"

"We've received new intelligence about some movement happening in the next few days," she said. "The meeting's only a few miles away, a little place Howard's secured." She made a place for him next to her on the seat. "You'll probably be back in an hour - don't tell your men to strike camp tonight, they may as well get a good night's rest." She smiled at them.

"Sergeant Barnes, you're in charge," said Cap, getting into the jeep next to Agent Carter. Barnes saluted and watched them drive off, Agent Carter chatting animatedly to their Captain.

It was funny; Cap liked Agent Carter, that was obvious. He admired her, probably even found her attractive - hell, how could he not? She was beautiful, for a white girl. Smart as a whip, and she definitely liked him. He'd seen the flirty little looks she sent his way - well, flirty in a sort of demure British lady officer kind of way, anyway. And they spent a lot of time together on the base, holed up with the other officers making plans and working with that Stark guy.

What did Barnes think of it? Gabe remembered him talking the day he and Morita had overheard them, telling Cap he could go out with her if he wanted. Cap hadn't seemed interested, but... what would it feel like to say something like that?

Not real good, probably.

"You know, Agent Carter, she's one hell of a dame," said Dugan, breaking the silence. They all nodded.

"Yeah, she is," said Barnes quietly.

Dugan gazed at him for a long time. "She'd be with him in a second; he'd just have to say the word."

Barnes looked down. "Dugan. You're... not gonna be able to understand."

"I know you're all the family either of you've got. Seems to me you'd be willing to make sacrifices for each other."

"We are," said Barnes. He took a deep breath. "And if he wanted to be with her, I wouldn't stand in his way."

"That's funny," said Dugan. "'Cause you are."

"Dugan," said Morita quietly.

Dugan sat back. "Just seems a damn waste," he said after a moment.

"I don't... disagree with you," said Barnes, his voice low. He glanced at his watch. "Dernier, you're on sentry next, right?" He made a sign at his gun, and Dernier nodded. Barnes pointed at himself. "Want me to take your duty?"

Dernier nodded, able to follow along enough to get the meaning, and Barnes got up with his gun, heading into the darkness.

"I take it the rest of you don't care," said Dugan, gazing into his coffee mug. "Our commanding officers break all sorts of laws and commandments and common decency, and the rest of you don't give a damn."

"Doesn't affect how they lead us," said Morita. "As long as they're not bothering the rest of us... don't see why it's any of our business."

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"Dugan. You've a woman back home, and so do I," said Falsworth. "Yet we've both slept with French girls. All of us have, except for the Captain, Morita and Jones. That breaks a few commandments."

"And nobody gives you hell about it," said Morita.

"This is different."

"Not sure it is," said Gabe. "And you know what? I don't care any more. They're not hurting anyone but themselves."

"I'm not my CO's keeper," said Morita. "Or my Sergeant's."

Dugan stared at them. "It's more than just not saying anything. It's - you three encourage them."

OK, so Dugan knew too. Not that big a surprise.

Gabe shook his head. "It's not encouraging anything to just not want them drummed out of the service."

"Doesn't it make you sick? At all?" asked Dugan, and now his voice was almost plaintive.

Gabe shrugged. "I just try not to think about it."

"This isn't the first time I've come across this kind of thing, Dugan," said Falsworth. "I've heard you Americans joke about British boarding schools, and I must admit, you're not far off the mark." Gabe's eyebrows went up. "Granted, most of what went on at our school was... well, they were boys. It wasn't anything serious. But there were some who became awfully taken with one another. I must admit it's... surprising to see it in grown men, but it's really not that shocking." He gave Dugan a small smile. "They were brought up in the same kind of environment. Only there were no suitable female cousins or friends of sisters during summer hols. Maybe they've simply... never grown up."

"Maybe if they did, they wouldn't be... caught up in each other like that," said Dugan. "They could be normal."

"Maybe," said Gabe. "But maybe it's none of our business." He met Morita's eyes, remembering what Barnes had said. Four times, Cap had sent him away, apparently. And yet here they were, still together, ten years later.

Gabe sat back, gazing at the fire with his unit, the French rural countryside around them comfortingly quiet. Crickets, soft wind, the crackling of the fire.

He wondered what the hell was going on with Cap and Colonel Phillips and Agent Carter. Wondered if the current surveillance mission they were on was going to go ahead after all. Didn't sound like it; if whatever it was, was important enough for the Colonel to go driving around at one in the morning...

Far sooner than they'd expected, the sound of a car engine broke the peaceful silence and the jeep drove up, Colonel Phillips, his aide, and Cap in it.

Cap got out, Phillips following him. He went to the fire, quietly said, "Sergeant, come with me, please, we need to discuss these plans," and headed for the tent he'd been sharing with Barnes, his face carefully blank.

Phillips stood by the fire and passed his stern gaze over all of the men. "We've got plans for tomorrow. Your Captain and Sergeant are going to finalize them, and you'll be picked up tomorrow morning to carry them out. As long as I'm here, though, I'm taking the opportunity to check in with this unit."

"Sir?" said Morita.

"That business that came up at the base a few months ago. Has there been any further trouble?"

Gabe's breath stuck in his throat. He kept his eyes on Phillips and his face blank.

"Your commanding officers are not here right now, and I am asking you men a question. Is there anything I need to know?"

There was a brief pause.

Dugan cleared his throat. "No sir," he said. "Nothing to tell."

Phillips stared at him, his expression unreadable. Beside him, his aide's lip curled in disgust - and Gabe was pretty sure he wasn't imagining deep disappointment in the man's face.

"The rest of you men agree?" said Phillips, still locking eyes with Dugan, who didn't so much as blink.

"Yes sir," said Gabe, and Morita and Falsworth echoed him.

" _Dernier? What about you?_ " Phillips turned to Dernier, and his accent may have been horrible, but his French was passable. " _Any complaints about Rogers and Barnes?_ "

" _No sir,_ " said Dernier.

Phillips nodded, satisfied, and gave his aide a nod. His aide got into the jeep and started it, and the Colonel got in, returning their salutes and heading off into the night.

Gabe raised his eyebrows at Dugan, who shrugged.

"He asked if there was anything he needed to know," Dugan said brusquely. "And there isn't." He blew out his breath. "Well, I'm gonna get some shut-eye before tomorrow morning. Apparently we're gonna be busy."

Gabe nodded, and headed for his own tent, passing by Cap and Barnes's tent.

"...not as bad as we always thought," Barnes was saying as he approached. "You notice that?"

Captain Rogers snorted. "Speak for yourself. Dugan and Dernier?"

"No, obviously, I ain't sayin' it's all been a treat. Just, it's nice to know. As long as we watch ourselves, the worst already happened. And it wasn't the nightmare we--"

"No, it hasn't. The worst would be everyone else finding out."

There was a silence. "Maybe it would be worth it."

"Would you still say that if Phillips had walked in here tonight instead of driving away? If the men had--"

"Still worth it."

"I don't _ever_ want to see you in handcuffs again, Buck."

There was a small noise, a rustle of movement.

"Steve," said Barnes, and his voice was muffled. "That won't be an issue after the War."

"I want you to be happy," said Cap, and his voice was muffled too.

"What if I am? What if I prefer this, _us_ , to pretending that--"

"What if you didn't have to pretend? What if you fell in love with some girl who--"

"What if _I_ wanna decide who makes me happy, Steve?"

Cap blew out his breath. "Bucky. What if we just get some sleep, and talk about it later. Tomorrow's gonna be busy."

Barnes sighed. "It's always later with you. And then you make decisions that are supposedly for my own good and you make us both miserable."

"We got time," said Cap. "We don't need to decide anything right now." Gabe heard the sound of boots coming off, a belt being undone. "Besides, you wanna talk about our future after the War - it might be a little closer after this mission."

"I dunno, sounds pretty crazy to me. Jumping onto a god-damn moving train."

"If we can catch Zola, it'll be worth it."

"Well, guess we're gonna have to trust you. You're the star-spangled man with the plan," said Barnes, and there was a soft, "Oof!" sound.

"You're never gonna let me forget that, are you?" Cap asked, laughing. "Hey, gimme my pillow back."

"Jerk," said Barnes, laughing. "You threw it, get it yourself."

Gabe headed for his own tent. Jumping onto a moving train, huh? That oughta be fun.


	5. Don't Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winterstar, you're awesome. Thank you so, so much!

Gabe stared at the table in front of him, still feeling unreal. It had been well-planned. It should have gone well. It had gone well, in a way - they'd captured Schmidt's leading scientist. But the price...

"You're dismissed," said Phillips. They all stood and saluted, and Phillips returned it absently, shuffling the papers his aide gave him with their report.

"Colonel," Captain Rogers began. "Whatever is going to happen is going to happen soon. We need to interrogate Zola and--"

"And I will do that," said Phillips, making a notation on one of the pages. "You are off-duty as of right now." He glanced up at the Commandos. "Take him to a bar and get him drunk," he said curtly. Cap blinked. Phillips cleared his throat. "Captain Rogers," he said, looking back down at his report. "I am very sorry for your loss." His aide gaped at Phillips for a moment before he snapped his mouth shut and looked down at the table, lips set in a grim, disapproving line.

Cap's jaw clenched. "Thank you, sir," he said finally, his voice steady.

The men gathered around him as they left the building and he lapsed back into silence. He'd been in deep shock when they'd first lost Barnes, but recovered quickly and gone on with the mission, moving and working non-stop as they finished the mission, secured the train, were flown back to London to deliver Zola, and then went straight to give their report to Phillips. Time had been of the essence. There had been no time to mourn, to do anything but carry on. It was only now that they were all finally able to take stock, and from Cap's face, that was probably the last thing he wanted to do.

"Here's the place," Falsworth led them to a bombed out bar, the same one they'd first gathered in after Captain Rogers had brought them back from the POW camp.

Dernier went behind the bar, looking for bottles, and came back with several, as the rest of them found chairs and glasses. " _Take this._ " He shoved a bottle of whiskey at Steve. " _Tell him to drink the whole thing_ ," he said to Gabe. Gabe poured a glass for the Captain and handed it to him, as Dernier took another bottle and poured for everyone else.

The Captain knocked the first glass back, poured himself another. Gabe took a sip of his own, not realizing until then that he'd had no idea what was in it. Gin, apparently.

The silence in the bombed-out bar was oppressive. It felt like they should be talking about Barnes, holding some sort of wake for him - it wasn't like they'd never expected to lose one of their band, after all. But what was there to say?

Cap put down his glass. Dernier filled it again. Cap looked up at him, clear-eyed still, his face expressionless.

"I'm sorry," said Falsworth. "He was a good man."

Cap nodded, taking a sip of his drink.

"How d'you feel?" asked Falsworth. "Anything?"

Cap shook his head.

"Not a great wake," Dugan commented.

"He'd hate it," said Cap, his voice dull. "Feels like Joe Bertin's funeral when we were in the orphanage. Nobody said a damn thing." He took another gulp of his whiskey. "I know he'd know what to say at my wake. Sure planned for it often enough."

"You were that sick?"

Cap nodded. "Given Last Rites twice," he said. "Once at the orphanage and once when we were living together. He told me he'd piss on my grave if I died on him when we owed two month's rent." He smiled slightly, then frowned, thinking. "Don't remember what he said the first time, at the orphanage. It was just a few weeks after we'd met."

"How old were you?"

"Ten. I was really small, kept getting beaten up by the bigger kids. He was always picking off bullies. Always protecting me. I wanted to stand up and fight my own fights but I was so tiny, and sick. He... he'd just wade in. Even when I didn't want him to."

"Sounds like Barnes, all right," said Morita.

Dernier passed him another bottle. Cap was dry-eyed, his voice hushed, no sign of the alcohol he'd drunk. Not slurring. Nothing.

"Remember when we were at the Hydra factory, how he kept doing extra work to protect the prisoners who were falling behind on their quotas?" asked Gabe.

"Drove the supervisors nuts," said Dugan. "They knew somebody was doing it... they just couldn't tell who."

"I started doing extra too, to cover for them," said Gabe. "We were all so fucking tired at the end of a shift, but if you fell behind they were so vicious..."

"Some of those guys were so sick," said Morita. "Barnes wouldn't let the guards see how sick they were. Sick prisoners disappeared."

"And then when he got beat up by the Commander..." Gabe shook his head, remembering their impotent anger in seeing Barnes at the hands of that Hydra thug.

"He told me what you all did for him," said the Captain. "You coulda gotten yourselves killed, standing up for him."

"We knew he would've done the same for us," said Falsworth.

Cap nodded. "He would've. It's what he's done all his life. He saved my life, over and over, when we were kids - not with the bullies, but after we moved out of the orphanage. Worked himself to the bone getting my medicines whenever I got sick." He paused. "It's funny, we both made fun of the PR stuff about 'Captain America and his loyal sidekick' because it wasn't like that before. I was _his_ loyal sidekick. He - he was popular, he was strong and good-looking and he could've done so much on his own, but... the papers got the 'loyal' part right, at least."

Dernier poured another glass for himself, glanced around the empty bar.

"It had nothing to do with what the papers thought, looking up to the uniform or the symbol. He wasn't my follower; I was his. He didn't even want me out here; kept trying to make me feel better about not being able to get into the army 'cause I was so sick."

"He did follow you into this unit," said Falsworth.

"You know, when I asked him if he wanted to follow Captain America, he said Hell no." Cap smiled, his eyes shadowed.

Gabe blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah. Then he said, That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight; I'm following him."

"That sounds like Barnes, all right," Gabe chuckled.

"Actually, I asked if he was willing to follow me into the jaws of death," said Cap, and shivered. "I shouldn't have asked. He probably could've gotten transferred somewhere safe, after being a prisoner of war. All of you could've. I shouldn't have asked any of you."

"D'you really think he would've left you to face Hydra alone, even if you'd asked him to?" asked Falsworth.

Cap sighed and stared into his empty glass. Dugan filled it again, and topped off everyone else's while he was at it.

"When did you..." Morita paused, suddenly awkward. "When..."

"When did you start sleeping together?" Falsworth asked, and Gabe blinked at his bluntness, but Cap didn't react.

"We were fifteen when it all started," said Cap quietly. "We didn't sleep together, at first. Bucky was - he went after all these girls, and he was good with them, had a lot of dates. And then one day one of their older brothers beat him up. He wasn't even fucking her." Gabe started; Cap usually only swore when a mission went badly wrong or one of the men was bleeding out.

"He was." Cap swallowed again. "He was bleeding pretty bad, he'd snuck out and then come back in and I gave him some booze Jimmy Dentremont had smuggled into the orphanage. I asked him how come he kept chasing skirts all the time and he said, ['Cause I can't chase you.'](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1453645) I almost hit him. I thought he was being a jerk. Then he kissed me." His eyes clenched shut and his brow furrowed, and Gabe could feel the pain passing through him. "I was so scared. I thought somebody was gonna come into the washroom and see us, even though everyone was asleep. I'd been - I thought I was the only one - I thought I was sick, I thought if he knew he'd try to kill me or think I was disgusting or tell everyone. Instead--" Cap bit his lip and covered his face with his hands.

"Fifteen?" asked Falsworth.

Cap nodded, his body tense. "We left the orphanage the next year and moved in together, but he still went with lotsa girls. I always told him we needed to find other people. Dames. We both tried. He tried to set me up with every girl in Brooklyn. Broke up with so many of them when their friends were rude to me."

"And you weren't..."

"We didn't sleep together till two years later. We fooled around a buncha times, but I didn't want - I thought _he_ could be normal, at least. I didn't want to. To make him wrong. Like me. I loved him. I wanted him to be happy," his voice broke on the last word.

"Jesus," Dugan muttered under his breath. "And I told Barnes that he should... damn it."

"I know what you told him," said Cap. "We tried. We tried, so many times. Every few years, we'd - I'd feel bad about holding him back, and try... I got a really good job right before he signed up, we could both afford to pay rent on our own, so I sent him away so he could have a normal life. By the time he shipped out, we'd been apart for months. And his last night Stateside, he tried to get me a date, again, but..."

Gabe nodded. And suddenly wondered if Cap had ever said any of this to anybody else at all. Or if, like Barnes, he'd never talked to anybody but an unsympathetic priest.

What a hell of a time to finally be able to open up about the love of his life.

"I realized after he was missing, that I couldn't..." He bowed his head, covered his face. "I shouldn't have," he said, his voice muffled. "But... but I loved him, so damn much. We decided we'd just put off thinking about the future until the War was over." He lowered his hands, and stared at the tabletop blankly. "It's funny, it's always been me sending him away, 'cause he'd had girlfriends, he could get a woman, and I - I felt guilty. Wasn't till the War that he started doing the same thing to me, telling me that maybe me and Peggy should - but then..." He swallowed. "Then everything happened with all of you finding out and he started to talk about... about maybe not doing that any more. After the War was over, maybe just staying together, the hell with what other people thought." He took a long, shaking breath. "I put him off. I wanted it, more than anything, but I didn't wanna be selfish - fuck, I should've said yes, I should've..."

Gabe felt his eyes fill with tears.

"Cap... I'm sorry," said Dugan.

Dernier put a hand on his shoulder.

Cap hugged his arms around himself. "He can't be gone. I don't _feel_ him gone." He took a deep breath. "When I heard his unit had all been captured. When I thought the building had come down on him. I thought." He shivered. "It felt like there was this weight. Like I could feel it, here." He touched his chest. "Like something was missing, like I couldn't feel alive again until I knew he was safe or knew he was dead. Like nothing was really real except Bucky was missing."

Gabe met Dugan's eyes. And yet he'd walked around like everything was fine after that building collapse.

"And now. Now I _know_ he's gone. And there's nothing."

"Maybe the alcohol's hit you," said Dum Dum. Cap shook his head. "Maybe you're in shock."

"I can't go into shock," said Cap, his voice dull. "Nearly bled out after Montbeliard and kept walking, remember?"

"I'm sorry."

He put up a hand to his eyes and took a deep breath. "He's been everything. Since we were kids. We've followed each other everywhere - out of the orphanage, into the War, everywhere. He's been everything. What." He swallowed. "What am I gonna do now?"

Falsworth pressed another glass into his hand, and Cap gently pushed it away.

"All our lives, he protected me. I always knew he'd pay for it someday. And he did."

"Captain."

"All our lives, he's been there. I thought he always would be. Not - I mean, we always thought someday we'd be - you know, living apart. Married, with kids - for him, at least." Cap's eyes suddenly filled with tears. "He kept telling me I could be too, that some day some girl would--" a tear spilled over and ran down his cheek, unheeded, as Cap stared sightlessly at the table. "We knew, we knew it was impossible for us to--" he wiped his cheek. "But I always thought he'd at least be there. No matter who he married, how many girls he slept with. No matter how much it hurt when he was with someone else."

"What did he think when you were with someone else?" asked Morita curiously.

"I've never," said Cap softly.

Gabe was struck speechless. Captain America, the guy all the girls on the base swooned over, had never been with a dame. Never done anything but what he did with Barnes.

"There was only him. There's only ever been him." The tears were running down his face now, his eyes blank and haunted. "Only ever him, 'cept now he's gone. Because of me. Oh my God," Cap put a hand to his face and a sob escaped his throat.

Morita put a hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Cap," he said, his voice low. Cap nodded silently, holding himself still.

"He was a soldier," said Dugan. "And a damn good one. He knew the risks. And you knew the risks when you took command, and when you accepted him into your unit, didn't you?"

"I thought I did," whispered Cap.

Dugan hesitated. "I don't think you did," he finally said gently.

"No," said Cap, his face in his hands. He took a deep, shaking breath, and Gabe could feel the struggle to keep it together, the sobs threatening to break through. "No, I didn't," he whispered, and his voice broke and he let go, his shoulders shaking as he finally surrendered to his grief.

Gabe drew closer, and all five of them came together, hands on their leader as he put his head down on the dirty table and wept, and that, thought Gabe, that was what a heart shattering to pieces sounded like.

And it wasn't any different from how Alice would cry over him, if she got that telegram from the army. It wasn't any different than how Gabe himself would feel, if she was suddenly gone. Never to see her smile again, never to hold her or look forward to her dark eyes laughing with him.

Never to hold in his arms the one person who meant everything to him. Like a jagged wound, an emptiness that couldn't be filled.

He blinked, wiping a hand across his face, and drew his chair closer as their little group huddled around their weeping leader, their shared sorrow sharp and bitter, and wondered how the hell Cap could keep going after this. And what would happen to the rest of them if he broke.

**2.**

"You think he'll be all right?" Morita asked as they headed back to the barracks from the bombed-out bar, a long time later.

"No. But he wants to be alone now," said Falsworth. "We can give him that, at least."

"Boys?" Agent Carter's voice broke through their silence. Gabe turned, startled. She was striding towards them, her face set and her voice subdued. "Do you know where Captain Rogers is?"

"Uh... ma'am... I think he just wants to be alone right now," said Morita.

"I understand," she nodded. "I'd like to just give him my condolences and then let him be. Unfortunately he needs to know there's going to be a mission tomorrow. We've got some information from Zola."

"He's at The Lark," said Dugan. "It's bombed out, but there's still booze there."

Agent Carter nodded her thanks and made her way down the street.

"Ma'am," Dugan called out. Agent Carter turned around. "He - uh, he's not feeling real good about what happened to Barnes. May need someone to stay with him a bit."

Agent Carter nodded, and continued on to the bar.

Dugan turned back to the others, looking around at their dubious expressions.

"Er, Dugan, I really don't think..." Falsworth began.

"Barnes ain't around any more," said Dugan evenly.

Gabe shook his head. "I dunno if you're trying to... match-make here, Dum Dum, but..."

Dugan rolled his eyes. "I'm not saying he's gonna hop into bed with some dame while Barnes's body's not even cold yet," he said. "Although... this could be a blessing in disguise, in the long term."

"Don't say that to him," said Gabe, feeling a flicker of anger.

"I'm not an idiot," said Dugan impatiently. "But she's a friend, and she liked Barnes too. Even if... she's not some stranger to just turn away. He likes her. She might be able to give him something we can't right now."

Gabe frowned. Cap admired her, probably even found her attractive. He maybe even had a chance with her, now that Barnes was gone. But not right now. Maybe, in a few months, he might be able to look at her, but--

" _Did he just send Agent Carter to distract the Captain?_ " asked Dernier, and Gabe nodded. Dernier gave Dugan a skeptical look. " _Does he really think that--_ "

"I just don't think Cap oughta be alone right now," said Dugan.

"What?" said Morita.

Dugan looked uncomfortable. "Look, he... he just lost everything. You go through something like that, and... all sortsa things sound reasonable when they wouldn't otherwise. All kindsa dumb choices." He shrugged. "I don't think he should be alone. Not right now. It's the last thing he needs."

**3.**

Gabe knew, like a punch to the gut, the moment Morita stepped back into the Sit room. Morita's face was ashen and his steps were slow. They all knew.

"He did it," said Morita dully. "He won, he got Schmidt, he stopped the plane, the East Coast is safe. But he's - he's gone. He put the plane down in the water, somewhere in the Arctic."

" _Jones?_ " asked Dernier. " _The Captain's gone?_ "

" _Yeah,_ " said Gabe numbly. " _He – he put the plane down in the water._ "

" _What?_ "

"He said it was the only way," Morita said, and Gabe translated for Dernier, knowing Dernier could probably follow well enough without translating but taking comfort in the mindless task. "He said it was heading for New York, that he had to make sure it didn't land anywhere where people could get hurt. We - the last blip was far away from anything, there's no way he--"

"Fuck," said Falsworth.

"He could’ve jumped," said Gabe, staring at Morita, willing him to agree. "He could survive—"

"I was right outside, listening," said Morita, shaking his head. "He was talking to Agent Carter the whole way down. She told him they'd find a safe spot for him to land but he said it was too risky." He cleared his throat. "The radio went off right at the end."

" _Damn it_ ," said Dernier, and got up. He left the room, his face gray.

"If anyone could survive, it’s the Captain," said Falsworth. "He could - he could probably stand the pressure and cold, if he could get out of the plane, swim to the surface--"

Morita shook his head. "Stark is heading out, they’re mobilizing to try to find the plane. But he was with it when it went down. And they’re not sure exactly where it went, the radar died—"

"Why didn't he jump out?" asked Falsworth.

"Because he didn't want to," said Dugan heavily.

"Because he didn't want to risk the plane righting itself after he jumped, I think," said Morita. "He wanted to make sure it went down and stayed down."

"Still, he could - we've all seen what he can survive," said Falsworth. "Freezing and a crash, if anyone could live through that, he could."

"If he wanted to," said Dugan. "He didn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because of what I said. You think he wanted to go on, by himself?" He shook his head. "Look, I..." he cleared his throat. "When I was sixteen, my parents and my sister were killed in a house fire. If it hadn't been for my aunt and uncle taking me in--" he paused. "I saw what Cap looked like, after Barnes was gone. I saw that same look on my own face after I lost my family. He didn't have anything left to live for except revenge, and that's not enough. Given time he would've been able to go on, but right then?" He shook his head again. "I'm not saying he's not a hero, for stopping that plane. But as for living through it... he didn't want to. He just wanted to follow Barnes one last time."

"Dugan--" Morita protested.

"He's dead and gone," said Dugan. "They're never gonna find him. Captain America's gone."

4.

VE-Day, Gabe thought, looking at the crowds celebrating around him. He'd honestly thought he'd be happier.

He walked into the bar and moved to the end table without hesitation. When victory's declared, we're all gonna meet here and drink a toast, they'd promised each other, as the unit had disbanded and they'd been sent their separate ways. And if we're posted all over Europe it'll take a little longer, but we'll do it.

They were all still in London, in fact. Posted to different units but with the winding-down of the War and the massive amounts of work they'd all had to do to tell all they knew about Hydra and the Commando's ops, going through Hydra intelligence and Hydra weapons, they were all still right here.

He made his way to the table. Nobody was even stopping to look at him today. The occasional sideways glances he usually got were nonexistent. Even racists had something better to do today. He wondered if Morita was experiencing the same thing. That had been one slight change in leaving the Commandos; being on his own meant having to deal with slightly more officious idiots who thought they could talk down to him until they found out who he was.

He made his way to the table and sat down, he and Falsworth the last two to make it in. Falsworth and Dugan were still in uniform, Gabe noticed, but he and Morita and Dernier were in civvies. Already getting used to what would be their very near future.

"Jones, long time no see," said Dugan, giving him a smile. Gabe had stayed in touch with Dernier and Falsworth a bit as the three of them worked over Hydra weapons, but Morita and Dugan had been working with the SSR over the communications transcripts they'd gotten from Hydra and he hadn't seen as much of them.

"How've you been?" asked Dugan, handing him and Falsworth beers that appeared to have been waiting for their arrival.

"Good, good," he said, taking a gulp. "Looking forward to going home." He glanced at Dernier. "Dernier is too."

" _To France, where I can speak a real language and eat real food,_ " said Dernier, and the others laughed as Gabe translated.

"I can't wait to return to Devon," said Falsworth.

"You're not gonna believe this but I'm staying for a while," said Dugan. "Agent Carter's been talking to me about SSR changing after the War's over, turning into something else. They're gonna need people to help with the transition." He shook his head. "My girl's not gonna be happy."

"She'll get over it," said Morita. "I'm sure whatever SSR turns into, you'll be able to get a transfer back home soon enough." He sipped his beer. "I'm going home as soon as I can. My folks aren't getting any younger, and my dad wants me to help him out in the family firm as soon as we're allowed back on the West Coast. We're gonna have a lot of work, I think."

"Still can't really picture you as a lawyer," said Dugan.

"Legal assistant, till I get my license. If I even have time to go to law school. My dad says we're gonna have a hell of a time helping all our friends get back their stuff, get back to their homes. It's gonna take years."

Gabe nodded. "My folks are just glad I'm getting home. Can't wait to see Alice."

They all drank, looking around at the cheering crowds. It was a celebration. It was. And he was happy. It just...

"Wish it was all of us here," said Gabe.

"Don't we all," said Falsworth.

"Well, if Barnes didn't make I'm not surprised Cap didn't either," said Dugan.

"He didn't have a choice," said Morita. "It wasn't because of Barnes."

"I've read over the transcripts and radar readings from that plane about a dozen times, and so have you," said Dugan quietly. "He had time. They could've maybe figured something out."

Morita shook his head.

"You saw what he wrote," said Dugan.

"Yeah, months earlier," said Morita stubbornly. "Not proof of how he felt that day."

Gabe looked away, remembering the note they'd found. Phillips had quietly asked the men to go through Cap and Barnes's private belongings before they were turned over to the army, to make sure there was nothing "incriminating" there. And there hadn't been, except for a short letter in Barnes's locker. It was unsigned and vague and printed in block letters so that it would look completely innocent if anybody found it - if anything, it could be from some girl back home who was worried about her man on the front lines. But they'd all known immediately who had written it, and when.

 _Nothing has changed how I feel,_ it said simply. _Nothing ever could. If you've changed your mind, you know I'll accept it._

_It isn't fair that you're the one who has to stay where you could get hurt, and I'd face this for you if I could. I'm praying for you, but then you know I've always done that._

_You know where I'll be when the War's over._

Gabe hadn't known whether it hurt more to know that he and Morita had been directly responsible for that letter, or that Cap had been worried about Barnes's safety living among the rest of them in the barracks, or that even in their horrible situation he'd known that he couldn't write openly. Or that they'd both been willing to wait for each other, and had loved each other so much, but hadn't lived to see the end of the War.

"You know, Agent Carter's a nice lady," said Dugan thoughtfully. "She's still pretty broken up about what happened, but you know, British stiff upper lip and all that."

"You know Stark's still searching for him?" said Morita.

"Really?" asked Falsworth.

"Nobody could've survived that crash," said Gabe. "I know he was strong, but out in the water - even if he was able to swim, even if he was able to crawl to land, in the freezing Arctic, no food... he'd be as likely to survive that as Barnes was to survive his fall from the train."

"I'm pretty sure at this point Stark's just looking for his body."

"You know, I'm sorry. Now. I'm sorry I... what the hell." Dugan cleared his throat. "I wish we hadn't."

"Hadn't what?"

"Kept him and Barnes apart," said Dugan.

Morita turned and stared at him.

"Maybe there's worse things than what they were doing," said Dugan. "If I'd known they weren't gonna be around much longer..." he blew out his breath. "I didn't think it was right, letting 'em... but they didn't deserve to live their last months the way they did. And thank God for you three," he nodded at Gabe, Morita and Falsworth, "for making things better for them." He shook his head. "Ironic, isn't it? The two best men in this company... couple of fairies."

They were all silent for a minute, and Gabe reflected on that. And he realized how odd it was that he'd be able to tell his friends and family back home about a number of things he'd done in this war that he was proud of: surviving the Hydra prisoner of war camp; joining the Commandos; being treated as a respected equal by a number of higher-ups, in a way that he probably never would be again, back home; being a god-damned hero, over and over...

...but one of the things he was proudest of, he could never tell anyone about. Having been able to give a little peace to two men who deserved it, who had needed understanding and sympathy and not gotten it anywhere else in their lives. Two men who, even in death, could never have that part of their story told, because nobody wanted to hear that what was between them was anything but pure, platonic brotherly comradeship.

"Well," said Falsworth, standing up. "We said we'd come here and drink a toast." They all rose to their feet. "To the Captain," said Falsworth solemnly, and they all raised their glasses and drank, somehow apart from the jubilant crowd around them.

" _To the Sergeant,_ " said Dernier after a few moments, and they all drank again.

"To both of 'em together," said Gabe, and the others paused.

Dugan broke the silence with a wry chuckle. "Well, why not. Wherever they are, either they're not like that any more... or it doesn't matter." He tossed his drink back.

"To both of 'em, together," the others repeated, and they all downed their drinks. Then they put their glasses down and joined the cheering crowds, to celebrate the victory so hard-won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, well, that's it. ::sigh::
> 
> And now we get to wait for _Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier_ , and I swear I must have seen the trailer footage a million times by this point, and cannot wait to see the real thing. And if there's canonical Bucky/Natasha in there, or Steve/Agent 13, I will love it to pieces and then promptly AU the damn thing, because I am _itching_ to write a sequel to this, even if it's just a short standalone.

**Author's Note:**

> Gonna take this chance to put in a plug for my kid, who just started writing fanfic of his own. Genfic - at least, the stuff he's shown me is! - and Loki-centred. Go take a look! Encourage the newbie :)
> 
>  **Title:** Loki Lie-smith  
>  https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9868772/1/Loki-Lie-smith  
>  **Author:** Stylus of Gold (he said something like, "I wanted to pick the most pretentious authorname EVER.")  
>  **Summary:** As I fell from grace and Asgard into disgrace and the void, I lost more than my claim to kingship of Asgard: I lost my name. No longer Loki Odinson, I am now simply Loki. Loki Lie-smith.


End file.
